So while at work today, for some odd reason I was thinking about all of the things that I am grateful for, and how I was going to blog about it when I came home. And I do have a lot of things to be grateful for, land to plant my herbs, a father who would do anything for me, the ability to do anything I want if I just had the motivation, a job I enjoy even if I don’t make much money at all.

And the list goes on.

But then I came out into the living room to watch Medicine Woman with my dad and he was crying Not really crying but his eyes were teared up, and when I asked him what was wrong. He said he was just worrying about money and how we were going to get by.

My heart just sank…….

You see my bronco broke down today, -again-. And this time it’s something that we can’t just fix, but we have to replace, and granted it’s not too expensive, but still, it costs money. My other truck needs a new engine which is going to be like $3k. We’re behind on rent (we rent this property), I don’t have a way to get to work tomorrow so I have to try and find a ride. We have a car in the shop that needs to get inspected so we have an alternative vehicle, we just don’t have the money to get it inspected. We have hardly any food, and our crops haven’t come in yet, obviously. I still have about 2 debts to pay off before I’m out of debt. My dad has a LOT of debts to pay off, and it’s just like “FUCK!”

*sigh* Money is so depressing. It can make or break people. And I don’t usually get so depressed about it but this fall is going to be really harsh on us if I don’t find another job that pays more than minimum wage.

Sometimes I get to the point where I just want to wallow in my misery and give up and do nothing but cry because I just don’t know what to do.

Odd thing is when I went to a tarot reader last month, she told me that my biggest fear was not being able to support myself financially, and I think she’s right.

I know I can fucking do this, I know I can get a fucking job, I know I’m smart and have some skills SOMEWHERE. But I just don’t know where to start, or what to do. I want to go to school, but I can’t afford it. I want to get a decent job, but I don’t have the ‘training’ (hence school) to find one. So what exactly am I supposed to do?

Jeff was talking to me about a utopian society not long ago. About how the world just shouldn’t have money at all. If you wanted clothes, you’d go to the clothes maker and pick up what you needed. You didn’t have to give him anything, not even a trade. Then if he needed something like……food, he could just go to the market and take what he needed. It would be a society that would thrive on itself, you work because you know what you do or produce, will be needed by someone. In return they work and produce something that you may need sometime in return. See what I mean?

Life would be so much easier and less stressful that way. I feel so depressed now…… So lost? Alone?

I think I’m going to be grumpy today.

I hate it when you like, wake up and hour or two before you ‘have’ to, and you can’t get back to sleep. When you finally do it’s like 45 minutes before you have to get up, and when your alarm goes off, you don’t -want- to get up. *snort*

In other news, Sumida left *sniff*, not sure why, but my guess would be because I had to switch domains. No hostees for me anymore. I don’t even know if this new girl is still alive or interested. Ah well, more space for me I guess. Not that I can use it all.

My sister has off today, unfortunately I don’t so I have to pick her up after work. And then she has visitation at 7 till 9, and then again tomorrow morning I think. Ugh, wtf. I don’t like all this visitation crap.

I got my set of wings yesterday, now my sister and I both have fairy wings for the Fairie Festival. Should be good fun.