I had one of those emotional breakdown things last night. I think the stress from working too much, still not having any money, and every damn piece of machinery I own breaking down, just started to get to me.

He was there though, and even though through a phone, it was like he could just kiss my tears away. Even some of his friends were concerened for me. Of course you might have seen my very pissy away message on AIM *chuckle*.

I don’t know what it is, I think dealing with the fact that I’m getting older. I mean I’m still a youngin, I’m 22, but I’m not a teenager anymore, and I realize I have to go in some sort of direction, but I have none.

I’ve decided to look for another job. I have no qualifications, really. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want to be someones secretary for the rest of my life. And as much as I love the job I’m at now, it doesn’t pay nearly as much as I need just to get by.

Of course to get any qualifications, you need money. I really want to go to college because I feel like my education is so low level compared to anyone anymore. He is so smart, he got a scholarship to a major university. Most of my friends go to college. And I feel inferior. I have a craving to learn, a big craving. The furthest I can get as far as learning anything is books. I buy two books a week now, and read them. Most of them are on witchcraft or paganism, but if I could start buying other books…

I cried, I feel so weak when I cry, when I try to be so strong. I told him it felt like everything was just going wrong for me. He told me that he would help me look for a job, that we would look together because he needs to find one too. I’ve found one possibility for a web designer, but I have no faith in my skills.

Well, that was last night anyway. Melissa asked about the baby hawk. I had called some places over the weekend, but holiday set in and I couldn’t reach most of them. One number didn’t work anymore, and one does plan to come up and retrieve the hawk. I gave them directions, but they haven’t shown up yet. Until then the hawk has been enjoying a buffet of live mice. The piggy. I also discovered the world of 1024×768 last night thanks to Cayla.

He really was great to me last night…

He has his graduation today, so I decided to go over a friends house after work. I watched Harry Potter, which I thought was a pretty decent movie, and then we just pretty much bullshitted the rest of the night.

I was over Sati’s, who lives with Virginia, who was married to Tony, who molested Virginia’s kids. Lets see if you can keep that straight :P. Tony was my pagan mentor, but I haven’t spoken to him in years.

Anyways, the trial for the abuse is in 2 and a half weeks, so I have no idea what is going to happen. Virginia was telling me that Tony has been stalking them though, because he called up and knew things he couldn’t -possibly- know unless he was watching the house. Which is pretty scary considering I was just there, and bring my sister there sometimes……

But I enjoyed the visit..it’s nice to get out of the house once in a while, although I miss him. He’s at some party right now, probably getting drunk off his ass, who knows. He’s supposed to call me when he gets home so I know he got home alright, but I don’t think he’ll call. Or even come home. But the best thing for me to do is wait and see
There is a beetle flying outside my window and it’s bugging the hell out of me. It just keeps buzzing at me, teasing me, provoking me……

New hostee @ /fragile. Ro is a gorgeous person, and should be given much luff.

Jeff graduates today! Of course that means I won’t spend hardly -any- time with him but still, congratulate him! He’s so smart, aww.

I’ve set some mini goals for myself. I’m going to get a new, upgraded job by August. I’m going to -try- to start exercising every day, preferably in the morning, but I am just -not- a morning person. I’d like to start doing this within the next week or so and actually keep it up this time. I’d like to pay off all of my debts by August, and also get things straightened out with this divorce by fall. I’d like to start brushing my teeth -twice- a day, instead of forgetting to do it before I go to bed. Once my debts are settled, I’d like to see what I can do about getting him out here, or me out there. And I’d like to have at least 3 areas done on my MUD by fall.

I wonder how much of that I can actually -do-.

Oh and Jenna and Cayla both have lovely new layouts. Of course I’m late plugging them, but I’m getting better!

I love how I meet so many pagans online. Most just by chance, but it really inspires me. Now if there were only more pagans in my -town- that actually want to get together once in a while and converse about things or even get a coven going. Then things would kick ass.

My dad bought 3 mice yesterday to feed the baby hawk, and it tore them the heck up. I was ecstatic. I think he/she is going to be just fine.

Today is going to be spent doing absolutely -nothing-. I refuse to go anywhere, I want to sit at home and rot. I will work on my MUD, maybe work on my e-zine, and maybe do some gardening. But if anyone bugs me to do anything else, I will kill them.

Working on a new layout too.

My Aunt never came to pick me up at work, so instead of getting to work at 11am as per usual, I get there at 3:30pm. Fun. But I did get to talk to -him- all that time though
Good news though! My dad and I finally got the baby hawk to eat -something-. It wasn’t much at all but at least it ate. My dad pulled it out of the cage we have to keep it in at the moment, and I used tweezers to give it some meat we had. My dad plans to get some mice at the feed store tomorrow and let it eat them. It’s talons are fucking -huge-. And it’s still a baby. It’s about the size of a football, so it’s not real small but it’s still considered a baby.

Man, when we were feeding it, we have it in the same coop we keep some of our chickens in….and it started squaking(sp), and the chickens went nuts. They don’t like sharing a home with a hawk
And we do have a bowl of water there for it to drink from, so Melissa can rest at ease I found a website for a Wildlife Bird Recovery place around here I’m going to call tomorrow.

I’d like to give the hawk a name, so we are on equal terms, but I’m just not sure.

You know, I’m having a hell of a week.

Not only did all that stuff happen in my previous entry, the phone, my mother. But I was almost late taking Sister to school this morning because one, the truck wouldn’t start, two, there was fucking construction everywhere. And then what do I do? I forget to give her lunch money.

I come home, pet the baby hawk, get a shower and get ready to work, walk out the fucking door and my truck doesn’t start again, only this time it’s permanent. And I can’t fix it. Here I want to work on cars for a living, and I can’t fix my own fucking truck.

And then I come to the realization, that I know -no one- around here to help out and take me to work. I don’t talk to half of my family, 99% of my friends are either in college, have moved, or are just too far away. I drive a very unreliable vehicle, and I’m the only employee at work for a while.

So what the hell is going on here. I need to make more friends or something. I need to get my other truck working. I need a better job.

And to top it all off, he isn’t answering his phone! Gah!

Not really much to say, I’m in a pretty foul mood. Our phone was turned off today, because Verizon is a dick. I just sent them a bunch of money last week, now they want more. So I can’t talk to -him- tonight, and that hurts.

Doesn’t look like my site is doing very well in the domain of the month contest. I actually had hope when I was second place. It was nice. Third ain’t bad though, right?

Saw Star Wars today…..it was alright, a lot of things I didn’t understand or see a point to though. A lot of things I didn’t like, and a lot of things I did. It definitely wasn’t all I thought it would be. But it was good.

I think my dad is angry with me….I hate that. I really should find a better job, one where I can support everyone and not worry about turn off notices and shit. Hire me?

*very depressed at the moment*