I don’t know -what the fuck- happened, but somehow I got nominated or accidentally stuck up on the “Domain of the Month” poll on pick-me. Not that I mind, I just never thought of putting my site into one of those things because it doesn’t seem like I’d win. BUT HEY, since I’m already there, you might as well vote, right?

Emily called work yesterday, said she might be staying down Louisiana till June 8th or so, which in turn means I will continue working 6 days a week until then. This is ridiculous, I can’t run everything by myself. Especially not on $5.45 an hour. I want -time- with my 8 year old sister, I want time with -him-, I want time to go outside and roll in the dirt if I damn well feel like it.

You realize I haven’t been able to see my sister since the fairie festival on the 4th, besides a brief few minutes on Mothers Day? I mean I thought we won this whole custody battle so we could take care of my sister, and I would actually get to see her more than 3 times a year. Not that the judge has even made a final decision yet, but I think it’s safe to say that we have custody now. Well not ‘we,’ I don’t have custody, but I do take a lot of responsibility for her. And I still think I SHOULD get custody. But anyway.

A ‘friend’ of mine named Rhi came into work yesterday, one of my pagan friends, though between you and me, I don’t like her all that much. She wants me to go into business with her, opening an occult shop. Of course you know I’ve been meaning to open an occult shop for quite some time, but not with her. She has this…..petty aura about her. I definitely don’t think my sanity would last.

But also, we started onto the subject about my husband, “Ex #1″. And how I will be going through a divorce and all of that sappy jazz. My goddess did she make me feel guilty. She went on this entire spleel about how I should be thankful for finding a good person who isn’t like an ax murderer or a drug dealer and how it’s hard enough for people to pair up and just because I’m not in love with him anymore doesn’t mean I shouldn’t give him a chance, and blah blah. I was like, holy hell.

FIRST off, I got married at 18, I was PRESSURED into getting engaged at 16, I was with him for many years but I’ve come to believe that we had a highschool infatuation, and mine just went kaput. He CHEATED on me when I was 18. I’m 22 years old (As of April 13th, so you’ll remember next year), and now I have to be committed to someone who I do not and will not love, for the rest of my life? Does that not seem a little unfair? I was not bonded to this man spiritually, it was a legal marriage in a courthouse, where I wore a Pantera t-shirt and a pair of torn jeans for crying out loud. Even if I was bonded to him spiritually at the time, EVERY person changes and grows. Not every person can change and grow together.

When you change, you’re supposed to embrace it. The Native American people believe when your life goes through a significant change, that you change your name as a representation of being reborn into this new era. Some things just cannot stay the same, no matter how much they hurt you, learn from them, and move on. Embrace the good with the bad. It’s all life.

So yeah, I was pretty upset last night, but -he- made me feel a lot better. That and a few games of Starcraft.

I just found out that I won that singing contest on rhine-stone.com. That kicks ass because I was so sure I wasn’t going to win. Thanks to Bubbles. If you want to hear my corny .wav file you can open it from location here. Would have been nice to hear the other entries tho…

Also just found out I’m going to go see that Episode II movie on Wednesday, so now HE can shut up about it.

I love traditions, I really do.

I’m talking about old family traditions, how minute they may be, they can really give me a warm feeling.

Every Sunday morning, my dad plays Bluegrass music, sometimes we’ll sit around and chat, or we’ll garden, or just do little things around the house. Every Sunday evening, it has always been a tradition on my dads side of the family to have a big Sunday dinner. And everyone was expected to be there, and everyone pretty much showed up. Dad still has a big Sunday dinner, even if now it’s just me and him.

A lot of my dads family are farmers and hillbillies. And I know people knock that type of lifestyle a lot because it’s not ‘cool.’ I certainly don’t seem like a farmers daughter myself, what with my spiked red leather boots and leather jacket, but every inch of me is. But I can tell you one thing, there is no better lifestyle.

You can keep your raves, you can keep your college parties and your drugs. Your nightly clubs and promiscuous barflies. Keep your expensive cars, your large houses, your large paychecks and your city life.

I have my small broken down farmhouse, my old ford truck, my crops and chickens, my family BBQ’s and cookouts, my old acoustic guitar, my small paychecks that barely allow me to get by and the love of my life. And I couldn’t be more content than that.

So a while back, sometime last fall, I spoke about Tony.

Tony was my mentor in witchcraft. He was for a good while too, I’d say about 2 years or so. He taught me a good many things about spells and general common sense when it comes to magic. He was a nice, fun, sometimes eccentric guy, who always seem to exaggerate any story he told about his past, but I didn’t mind. I just knew better.

Tony was married to Virginia, who became a good friend of mine. Not legally married, but handfasted, which is a spiritual bond between two people, where they ‘jump the broomstick’ and become as one. It’s a pagan thing.

Virginia had two daughters from previous marriages, Wendy who is 12, and Amy who is 10. Nice girls, the usual heathens as all kids can be.

Apparently sometime last August, Tony was accused of molesting both of them. In some pretty sick ways from what I could understand. Some people said the girls were making it up. I was leaning towards the fact that he actually did it, but of course I still have a small smidgen of doubt. Because there is no way of knowing for sure. Plus I know my mother accused my father of abusing ME when -I- was little and that was totally bogus. She did it to win the custody court case over me. She also accused Vernon (my sisters father) of molesting my sister, and I still don’t think he did. But since I’m not there 24/7, there’s always that smidgen of doubt there too. Of course she didn’t win that custody case because I was a key witness and knew what my mother is capable of.

Anyways, I’ve been on this pagan mailing list for a couple months now, nice people, I enjoy meeting with them, and Tony’s best friend Sin joins. As in in the last few days. And I’m pretty sure where Sin is, Tony is. And I know Tony got out on bail, whether or not anything legal has happened since then I’m not sure.

So I’m having mixed feelings about all this. What if I do run into Tony, what would I say? I don’t want to outright call him a child molestor, I don’t know if he even did it. But what if he did? Most of the people on this mailing ilst are family oriented and have children. Should I say something about it? Should I just keep quiet otherwise I might light a fire that I can’t extinguish until it does too much damage? I certainly don’t want him around -my- sister. But I still wonder if the charges are false. If they are, he is living with a heavy cloud over him for the rest of his life.

I’m writing this mostly for myself, because I had a dream last night about Sin and Tony. That I was hanging out with them somewhere, but I don’t remember where. And it made me come to the realization that I might actually be faced with him, and I just don’t know how I’m going to react. I just don’t know what to do.

I got home about my usual 7pm. My desk arrived around 7:30. Of course I went to work right away. I didn’t stop till 2am, and I’m still not finished *faint*. This was the desk I bought.

Out of all the reviewers listed on Pick Me, I am the ONLY ONE LEFT that is doing reviews. The others are either busy or taking a break. I have probably….40 reviews to do in my mailbox. We did get two new recruits, one of them being my lovely Caya but they haven’t started yet and I don’t want to overwhelm them.

*collapses on the floor from exhaustion* I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m determined to do them all, dammit.

In other news, mine and his MUD is really taking off. I’m so proud of him, he’s done some excellent work on it. So has Pip for that matter (I know he likes it when I mention him :P). If any of you roleplay, you should check into MUDding sometime. More specifically, ours
I don’t know if I have Sister this weekend, I usually do but I have to work all weekend That means I’m not going to see her again for another two weeks. *sigh* Damn Elizabeth for making me work so much.

Jenna has finally moved in! Please give her much love and make her feel welcomed. Your layout is gorgeous by the way sweetie.

In other news, HE went to see Star Wars Episode II last night, and he calls me up at 4 fucking AM because he was so excited afterwards and it was so completely adorable. I didn’t mind. I’m sure he’ll probably rant on here about how great it was so BE PREPARED!

My new desk should be coming today, and I am so damn excited it’s weird. I should also be seriously working on a new layout, but I work 6 days a week now, wtf is up with that.

But I’m gonna be late for work.

So I don’t think I’m going to win that singing contest, because I just read she’s looking for originality. And mine is kinda…..well…….plain. Oh well.

Maybe I’ll record some more stuff for my website, or a better version of the song I already have up in my section.

I just went out and spent $400 to upgrade my little office space here, including a new desk, new leather office chair and a headset phone so I can talk and type at the same time.

I needed it, maybe it’ll help keep me organized for business, and motivate me to work more, heh. Of course I’m also looking at my phone bill to HIM, and thinking “How in the hell did it get that high!?”

But it’s all good, he’s worth it. I found yesterday that I’m working this weekend AND next weekend. So basically for the rest of the month, I only get two days off. I need the money though, so I can’t complain. My only complaint (hypocrisy!) is less time with him
Hey, someone hire me to sing, I can do that.

So I was on my MUD:

[ 38] Borlak: joke: female perspective

Tue May 14 22:16:19 2002

To: all

Software Packages

FROM A FEMALE PERSPECTIVE:

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed aslowdown in the performance of the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL7.4, ESPN 3.2 and Major League Baseball 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.