-I- -am- -exhausted-.

Jeanie and I had a fantastic time at the Irish Moon Cafe. (BTW, what is up with your site girl?). Anyways, we met so many pagans there, some I had never even met before, it was a lot of fun. Then Carl, the owner of the coffee shop, showed us the shop they had just opened, and -neither- of us wanted to leave. The whole mood and everything was just perfect. (Oh remind me to ask Carl for the name of that music, Jeanie, because I want it). Just being there tonight felt very spiritual to me. And spending time with Jeanie whom I’ve known online for months, was also very enlightening.

There was actually an article in the paper about the pagan group at the cafe on Sunday. I’ll scan it tomorrow. But there were some Christians apparently walking up and down the street holding up the article saying “The Devil has come to Taneytown” *rolls her eyes*

Next Friday, when they have the drumming circle, it’ll probably be really bad because then the preachers will have time to prepare a sermon for this Sunday. We had to have police protection and everything, it was nuts. I’m a little worried about next weekend, I don’t need any fanatic Christians slicing my tires or anything.

Anyway we mostly talked about what we wanted to get out of the group, and how we should respect the Christians even when they criticize us -horribly-. And we talked about developing some charity stuff for local charity organizations. (yeah, we’re really evil, ph33r us)

Oh man, Jeanie’s parents though, she had to sneak out of the house and I picked her up down the street. I don’t think they were too happy with me. She’s probably getting reemed out right now Sorry Jeanie. I’m so glad you went with me though. I was going to go inside and talk with her parents just so they knew I wasn’t like, some mass murderer or anything but her father had already gone to bed. Ah well.

I have to work 12 hour shifts Saturday and Sunday, so I think I’ll go to bed.

I’ve been feeling pretty lonely lately. I talked to Ex #4 maybe 5 minutes yesterday before he left to go to some party. He never called when he came home, and being as it’s already 2:40pm today, I doubt I’ll hear from him today either.

I’m not used to feeling lonely, not till recently anyways. I mean I’ve endured a lot of time by myself, when my husband was in the military. There were months at a time where I’d just stay home and do nothing while he was out at sea. But I always knew that there’d be a time where he’d come back.

I like my privacy, I like having time alone, but too much, really puts me in some sort of depression. I don’t like feeling like I’m totally alone. I feel like there isn’t a soul on this earth that I can talk to about everything. Even Ex #4, he’s been so distant lately.

I’m going out to the Irish Moon coffee house tonight to spend some time with some fellow witches. Anything to keep my mind off of being so lonely. I’m hoping that work and these pagan events will develop some friends that I’ll see on a regular basis. My other friends are too busy with work and college. Even my cousin Steph, who I had that car accident with back in May is too busy to hang out anymore.

Heh, if I wanted I could hang out with “Ex #1″, but um, no. I don’t want to be anywhere near him.

On another note, my father saw an article in the newspaper about the witches I hang out with at the Irish Moon. So he asked me today “So that place you go to is all about witchcraft, huh?” Well that was kinda out of the blue, but I answered anyway “Well……..yeah but it’s not what everyone seems to think. It’s not like I sacrifice animals or babies or anything (We have a lot of animals).

He was surprisingly understanding. And here I thought my dad was a fairly religious man, even though he’s really big into Native American beliefs. That made me feel a little better.

It’s odd, but I feel like having this journal, is almost a necessity. To feel like people might actually read what I am thinking, and understand. To know that maybe what I am feeling, isn’t so absurd.

Well, I -was- supposed to have today off, but Murray (my boss) called last night and needed me to come in this morning. Hell why not, it’s all overtime I’ll just come home and sleep since Ex #4′ll be gone all night anyways.

*tired*

My boss also mentioned to me the other day that I’ve been doing really good work and he might ask me to be a manager of sorts of the Newtown office, ha! Doubt I’ll get a raise for a while, since I’m so new, but it made me feel good. 2 and a half weeks and already I’m in charge of some shit. However I don’t want to work at the Newtown office all of the time, because it’s so boring. I like the main office because it’s always so busy and I really like the people. I’ll just have to tell him that.

He almost fired the other new girl yesterday. I wouldn’t mind, honestly she seemed a little snotty like her shit was better than everyone elses. Even though she kept messing everything up. But he’s so desperate for people he said he couldn’t yet.

My soon to be ex-husband really pisses me off. He came over to pick up some military papers that were sent here for him, and he starts talking about he wants my dad to go with him to look at this 460 engine for our truck that is off the road (Big beast of a truck too, let me tell you). He says it’s $400. And the whole time I’m thinking, Okay, we just started these jobs, we still have bills that need to be paid off, not to mention we’re taking on my fathers bills now. I’ll probably bring in $200 next week due to the labor day holiday. He’ll probably bring in about the same, due to the fact he kept $100 from his paycheck for ’spending’ *rolls her eyes* and he wants to use ALL of this weeks pay to buy a fucking engine that doesn’t even work!? He’d have to rebuild the damn thing, hell if he wants to rebuild a fucking engine, rebuild the fucking 460 we already have that isn’t working.

Grr.

Reminder: Need to get my dad his birthday gifts, stop forgetting!

Though my site is currently down in memorial, I find myself wanting to post and express how I feel. It is afterall, my site.

Mitch had a wonderful idea in expressing what he was doing and how he felt in his journal, as his own tribute to today, and I wanted to thank him for it. Actually he’s the reason I wanted to post this today, to do the same thing.

I wasn’t working, I was unemployed, and being lazy. So of course I was asleep. I remember the UPS man delivering a package to our neighbor around 9:30am, and I remember the windows being up. I remember it being sunny and hot, and I remember hearing my neighbor jabbering on to the UPS man, and oddly enough the only words I could decipher were something like “Did you hear about those towers being hit?”

I didn’t think anything of it at the time, I just went back to sleep. What was strange, was that then I had a dream about there being some sort of…..disaster, like a building falling, and then seeing hundreds of bodies everywhere. It was as clear as day.

I think that I woke up, did the usual bathroom and then breakfast routine. And Ex #4 called around 1pm, not sure from where. I know he was in school that day. By this time I had already turned on the television and saw -something- about some attack. Ex #4 had called to make sure I was okay since I live about 45 minutes to an hour from D.C. Of course I was okay, hell I didn’t even know what was going on.

Like everyone else I was glued to the television the rest of the day, even days afterwards.

Today I woke up around 9am or so, watched some programs on CBS and NBC where they were naming all of the victims of 9/11. Watched some music videos dedicated to patriotism. One inparticular that had me tearing up was by Garth Brooks, about the Oklahoma City bombing, seeing all of those little children all beat up and scared. And then seeing them showing the towers fall again. Another one was by George Jones, about the Vietnam War, and the great wall that lists the 50,000 names of the soldiers who died.

It seems like almost every generation has to suffer a big tragedy. I hate to compare it the cycle of life but that’s the first thing that pops in my head when I think of everything that’s happened. I hate to think of what tragedy my children will have to deal with, many years from now.

I’m pretty torn right now I guess. I spoke with Ex #4 just now and he was talking about how they were watching NBC and there were people, families of the victims I believe, complaining about how they haven’t been compensated enough. That the organizations that have been donating all of this money, haven’t donated enough. He said “This is where politics start to go wrong.” And I have to agree.

I donated a lot of money to the charities myself actually. A couple hundred dollars, which, for an unemployed woman, is quite a lot. I’m sure millions in total were donated. I don’t really know how anyone could stand up, and instead of saying thanks, complain about how it’s not enough. It’s really sickening.

I want so much to be proud of my country. I’m proud of what we supposidly stand for, I am proud of all of the people who fought and died to keep our country free. I’m extremelly proud to be an American, and I am proud of my heritage. But I will openly admit, that I am really starting to despise our government.

My friend Bob went on some vacation a while ago, and took a lot of pictures, one which I was particularly fond of, a sign he found in a park (here). I was so thrilled when I saw it, it’s absolutely perfect. I forget where he was when he took it tho I’ll have to find out.

I may try to install AOL 3.0 on the computer at work. It’s a very old computer, Windows 95 and all. It’s just too boring at the Newtown office. I was there from 8am until 8pm yesterday, and we didn’t even have an appointment scheduled till 5pm. So what did I do? Cleaned and played Minesweeper.

Since Friday, I’ve already got 40 hours in. And that’s only 4 days. Gonna be a pretty sweet paycheck.

Dads birthday is in a week, on th 17th. Not really sure what to get him. I want to get him this special tool set for taking out stripped screws. I had my mind on something else too but I forget.

Tawodi will be down tomorrow for a day of silence. I know a bunch of other sites are doing the same thing. If you know of any that are, leave a comment with your URL and I’ll add the link.

I shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells for anyone

I shouldn’t have to beg to anyone

I shouldn’t have been made to cry, by anyone

I should never be the victim of undeserved vindictiveness

I should never be treated that way

I should be loved for my good and bad

I should never be made to feel the way I do at this exact moment.

I am a strong, dedicated girl. I should be treated with respect.

If you need hosting, go to Host Aurora. NO DOUBT. Sarah is awesome.

Getting up at 4:30 is ridiculous. I am so tired. Had an interesting day at work last night, was there until about 10pm. We had one dog come in, that had somehow really wounded its neck. I’m talking around his whole neck, there being -no- skin. And it was filled with maggots *blech*. It had been like that for 4 days before the owner brought him in, wtf. Ther wasn’t anything we could do, really….so we had to put the dog down.

Then an emergency came in, a dog that had eaten something that looked to be shutting down all of his systems. While we were giving him x-rays, he died on the x-ray table Now we have to do tests and figure out what he ate because they have another dog. The lady was really upset, I felt so bad for her.

But on the brighter side we had this 8 week old kitten come in that had a broken leg and needed a cast change. So we wrapped him up in bright, fluorescent pink. It was adorable.

Seems we have water for now, smells like bleach so I don’t know if I want to take a shower yet, but at least we have water. Thank the Gods.