I haven’t heard from him. It’s 5 fucking am and I haven’t slept. He was supposed to call after the ‘date.’

I just can’t even put into words.

I guess I’m really writing this to thank the people that got ahold of me last night and this morning. One in particular who wrote:

“Good Samhain to you.

I have wanted so badly lately to be able to sit down with you in person and have a long talk. The whole Ex #4 situation seems incredibly frustrating and depressing.

[edit]…it’s important for both partners to feel that they are getting as much out of the relationship as they are putting into it, you know?

At the same time, the only person who can change Ex #4 is himself, of course. It’s important for you to tell him what bothers you, what you feel badly about, but, beyond that, he’s the only one who can do something about it.

[edit]…what you’ve been going through shouldn’t have to happen. I have just been aching for you.

Think about your sister, your father; they depend on you. But most of all, think about your self. Think about the way the leaves look in the autumn, the way the wind feels against your cheeks, the soft touch of mist, the way the world looks so golden and rich at sunset. The smell of roses or baking bread or rain or evergreens. The sound of flute music on the wind. The look of trust in a pet’s eyes. Don’t ever let go of that. God… I’m getting really sappy, but it’s just all so very beautiful.

Fight for Ex #4–because you two have something beautiful despite your troubles–but if, by chance, he gives up on you, don’t *you* give up on you.”

Thanks you for that lovely e-mail, he really is worth fighting for.

On another note, Jeanie wrote a very good article in our local newspaper about pagans, which I’d like to share. Appropriate how it comes out today for Samhain Happy Samhain to everyone.

I’m still depressed, but I really need to let Ex #4 know that he’s worth fighting for, and that I will trust him as much as I’d want him to trust me. As much as this is hurting me, I’m hoping I’ll be a better person for dealing with it. I love you.

I’m about to carve my pumpkin and dress up like a fairy for work. I hope that she gives me strength today. I hope that the bond between Ex #4 and myself will stay as strong as ever.

There’s not a soul online to talk to right now, and I am in desperate need of it.

Tomorrow night Ex #4 will be going to some fraternity dance thing, and he’ll have to take a date with him. I wish I could really explain why this is so hard for me to deal with, but I can’t. I know that I trust him, but what bothers me is he doesn’t plan to tell her he already has a girlfriend. So this is like the ultimate test for me I guess. I know for a fact I will be in tears tomorrow night, and I know that I’m already hurting. I just don’t think that people should have to deal with having their ’significant other’ going on dates with other people. Especially when they’ve already dealt with infidelity too many times in their life. What hurts worse is Ex #4 doesn’t really seem to care or be bothered by the fact that I’m having such a hard time. It’s like I’m expected to just deal with it. A little comfort on his part sure would go a long way right about now. I’m so scared of losing him.

On the not so dramatic side, I’m supposed to be camping this weekend on the MD/PA border, but it seems like it’s going to be colder than a coalminers ass in the Yukon, so I don’t know what’s going on.

I listened to some classical music for the first time in ages on the way home from work, to calm my nerves. I used to fall asleep to it in highschool to invoke interesting dreams while I slept. I always seem to put classical music to a lot of medieval plots and fantasies. I take more interest in the more dark/gothic/mellow classical music rather than the upbeat “Chariots of Fire” type. Unless it’s a good “Gladiator” type battle scene score.

On occasion there would be a spurt of static because the radio tower was so far away, but for some reason the static seems to add to the charm of classical music, in a way. Maybe it’s just me.

I tried to call Ex #4 a few minutes ago, but he can’t talk because “there are people around.” And he “may be able to call later, but he doubts it.” And he knows I won’t be able to talk to him till after the dance tomorrow. I wish someone would just let me spill everything out and give me some sort of advice on what to do, or how I should handle this. I really need it. I’m ashamed to even admit how often I’ve thought that if something more were to become of him and his date, how quick I would be to jump on the suicidal thoughts bandwagon. It’s so wrong, childish, and unnecessary of me, but I can’t lie and say that I haven’t been thinking about it. I just want some comfort, from someone, anywhere. Please? Tell me that things are going to be okay, that Ex #4 loves me too much to ever hurt me like that and that he deserves to be trusted, and that I can do this. Because I am doubting everything, even myself, right now.

We just got back from seeing “Jackass.” I don’t know if we’ve ever laughed so hard. Definitely worth seeing. The scary part is some of us have done some of this stuff. We took some cheesy picture stickers aftewards. That’s Ben, my cousin Steph, and myself. Really BAD quality, we were trying to make weird faces
We went to Casa Rico for mexican before the movie and some redneck came in and started harassing the waiters. He was asking them if they were Muslim (cause they’re spanish, wtf), and if they were terrorists and going to blow up people or some shit. He was a truck driver, go figure. Damn rednecks.

There is supposed to be a Rave down in D.C. this weekend, I’m not sure if I am gonna go, depends on when it is and if it will interfere with my camping for Samhain. My friend Jen is supposed to be showing me some of the clubs down there sometime, I know my other friend Steph has like VIP passes to a lot of them. I dunno. Not really my ’scene’ but we’ll see.

Ex #4 has been confusing me. Saturday things were really great between us, yesterday we fight, last night he’s all nice again, and I’m just all fucking confused.

Well I went to a Halloween party tonight expecting to have a good old fashioned time. Unfortunately, I didn’t.

I’ve been a part of that pagan group since winter. I’ve met a lot of new friends, and I’ve always enjoyed going with my old pagan friends who I’ve known for years. But tonight I felt completely unwelcomed, and like a swarm of negative energy was following me everywhere.

I am vexed. And I’m just going to spill it all out here, because I’m pretty frustrated right now. The first thing that happens when I walk into the coffee house, is I have people asking me “Why are you mad at Jeanie?” “What did you do to Jeanie?” etc. And about 5 different people did the same thing throughout the night. Apparently everyone else knew my business, but me. This is what pissed me off the most.

Jeanie and I do have some issues to work out, and yes I have been avoiding the issue until I could figure out a way to approach it in a more -mature- manner where I could explain things so no one would end up hating anyone. Apparently Jeanie has been trying to call me for a while now, but not one message has ever been left on my machine. And I work -all- the time. I work over 40 hours a week on average, I work mornings, I work nights, I work weekends, I even work on my days off a lot. I’m not online hardly anymore, which anyone can tell by my lack of entries, and the fact that I’m -just not here-.

But whatever issues Jeanie and I might have should have stayed that way. Between Jeanie, and myself. Now there is this whole wind of gossip going around, and not only that, but people from the group now know about my journal, which I had no intention of.

The one group of people I felt the most comfortable with, the one that I had the most friends in, and could relate to the most, I feel like I can’t even be around due to scrutiny for shit I don’t even know about. I want to work things out, I want to be a part of the group again, but what in the world am I supposed to do now? And you know what? I wasn’t the only one that noticed all of the bad vibes about the whole situation tonight.

Besides the soap opera I did enjoy seeing my friends again, I enjoyed the ceremony honoring the dead. It is unfortunate that I felt unwelcomed and that I had to leave early. I hope that this gets resolved so we can be pagans that support each other, like we used to be. I had no idea when I brought Jeanie to the group not long ago that this is what would happen. Lets just hope this gets straightened out soon.

*sigh*

I don’t know what the fuck to do, Ex #4 and I are still having problems, work is going downhill quickly, the pagan group I take part in seems to be pushing me out, what else do I have left to hold on to?

Don’t forget to VOTE for me.

Where has my interest to write entries gone? I have done a lot of work on the site, just haven’t uploaded…….any of it
I think the change of season is calling for a new layout, but I know it will take me a while before I actually do it, because it has to be just right. Speaking of fall, I love where I live. I have one of the most beautiful roads on the way to my house. It’s very windy(sp?) and covered with trees on both sides. And to drive through it in the crisp of fall where the leaves are just as bright as can be, or when the bare trees are covered in snow and it’s like driving through a cave of winter, it’s just awesome. I also love it when I leave for work in the morning, there is frost on the ground, and I can smell the wood burning from our woodstove. I can almost imagine living in a log cabin somewhere up in the mountains if I close my eyes. Speaking of outside, why in the heck am I inside?

I need to read more. I have so many books I’ve never read, like the Harry Potter books. All I seem to want to do is sleep anymore, and I hate it. My father says I might be diabetic, I sure hope not. It’s severe in my family.

This fellow witch has a very beautiful site.

I have two friends that are at each others throats. Online friends. And I’m feeling a little caught in the middle. They’re arguing over something so small and pointless compared to stuff that really matters. And now they having their friends attack each other, and it’s a big ball of highschool drama. I guess online you can get away with that sort of thing. Doesn’t make it right, doesn’t make me anymore happy. Suffice it to say, I am extremelly disappointed.

I also have another friend who I am having issues with, I just don’t know how to tell them because it’s a very sensitive topic. I just don’t want to put myself into a messy situation. But it appears to be getting worse. Should I just be upfront and honest and risk having them hate me?

Looks like they may have reset the poll because it was broke, so GO VOTE for me
Had a long talk with Ex #4 Friday night. He’s changed his mind about this whole space giving thing, so things are looking a lot better. No fighting what so ever in a long time.

Started some of my tech training today, how fortunate I was to get a nice, nasty and fiesty cat as my first patient. I also had the opportunity to stick things in places I didn’t want to go……..but anyway.

Didn’t go to the pagan meeting Friday, and I’m glad or I wouldn’t have been able to straighten things out with him. But also because the topic didn’t really interest me. The end of the month we’re all going camping up in PA and doing a huge ritual and drumming, so I’m pretty psyched about that.

Oy, too tired, later.