Thoughts on Suicide
There’s not a soul online to talk to right now, and I am in desperate need of it.
Tomorrow night Ex #4 will be going to some fraternity dance thing, and he’ll have to take a date with him. I wish I could really explain why this is so hard for me to deal with, but I can’t. I know that I trust him, but what bothers me is he doesn’t plan to tell her he already has a girlfriend. So this is like the ultimate test for me I guess. I know for a fact I will be in tears tomorrow night, and I know that I’m already hurting. I just don’t think that people should have to deal with having their ’significant other’ going on dates with other people. Especially when they’ve already dealt with infidelity too many times in their life. What hurts worse is Ex #4 doesn’t really seem to care or be bothered by the fact that I’m having such a hard time. It’s like I’m expected to just deal with it. A little comfort on his part sure would go a long way right about now. I’m so scared of losing him.
On the not so dramatic side, I’m supposed to be camping this weekend on the MD/PA border, but it seems like it’s going to be colder than a coalminers ass in the Yukon, so I don’t know what’s going on.
I listened to some classical music for the first time in ages on the way home from work, to calm my nerves. I used to fall asleep to it in highschool to invoke interesting dreams while I slept. I always seem to put classical music to a lot of medieval plots and fantasies. I take more interest in the more dark/gothic/mellow classical music rather than the upbeat “Chariots of Fire” type. Unless it’s a good “Gladiator” type battle scene score.
On occasion there would be a spurt of static because the radio tower was so far away, but for some reason the static seems to add to the charm of classical music, in a way. Maybe it’s just me.
I tried to call Ex #4 a few minutes ago, but he can’t talk because “there are people around.” And he “may be able to call later, but he doubts it.” And he knows I won’t be able to talk to him till after the dance tomorrow. I wish someone would just let me spill everything out and give me some sort of advice on what to do, or how I should handle this. I really need it. I’m ashamed to even admit how often I’ve thought that if something more were to become of him and his date, how quick I would be to jump on the suicidal thoughts bandwagon. It’s so wrong, childish, and unnecessary of me, but I can’t lie and say that I haven’t been thinking about it. I just want some comfort, from someone, anywhere. Please? Tell me that things are going to be okay, that Ex #4 loves me too much to ever hurt me like that and that he deserves to be trusted, and that I can do this. Because I am doubting everything, even myself, right now.
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4 Responses to “Thoughts on Suicide”
October 30th, 2002 at 2:53 pm
Of all the nights for me not to be online!
Please don’t go go thoughts of suicide.. nobody’s worth that, plus I know you’re a little more grown up than that as well. Just have faith in tommarow.. and yourself and know no mater what you have friends that love you and would never want to see anything bad happen to you!
October 30th, 2002 at 4:11 pm
I’m so sorry, Crys. I wish I had a magic satchel of answers so that this could all go away for you. I agree with Mitch - think of tomorrow, and it will help you deal with today.
<3<3<3
October 30th, 2002 at 8:40 pm
this might not be a good advice, but i’ll just say it out.
i feel that you have insecurities within yourself. i don’t know what it is, but it’s in you. thus, you’re insecure about your significant other.
i knew you’ve been thru this terrible relationship before and you don’t want it to happen again. i’m sure jeff understands. you just need to trust each other. relationship is built not only with love, but trust and loyalty.
if you keep having insecurities, it’s gonna be unfair not only to jeff, but also to yourself.
i’ll come again next week, crys. i hope you’ll be ok.
October 30th, 2002 at 11:35 pm
I am extremelly insecure, and I know it. And it’s not Jeffs fault, and he really deserves to be trusted which is what I’m trying to do. But trusting someone doesn’t really prevent you from creating all of these bad scenarios in your head, does it?