Well, I’ve been doing a lot of updates. I’m going to try to put up a new layout on Cherish today at some point. I’ve added a section under “Girl” about the people I’ll often talk about on here. It will be updated soon, after I get some more pictures. I also put up my Hot Topic Wishlist, added a section on “Aries” and updated my bio briefly. Also, if you haven’t noticed, Em has returned. I also want to get some more of my song files up, but I have to make them first, heh. Both of my cliques are updated as well.

Nuff of the boring stuff. I had an okay turkey day, I ate too much. I had dinner here with my dad, my sister, her father, and “Ex #1″ and his brother stopped by *rolls her eyes*. Then I went over to Stephs and ate there. Afterwards we watched “Mr. Deeds” with Adam Sandler which was pretty damn funny.

Then I had to work from 5pm-10pm, which sucks, but it’s extra money. On average we get about 3 or 4 emergencies at work a day. On Thanksgiving we had 16! Geez. Poor animals
I found out that my mother told Sister that Santa Claus died and doesn’t exist anymore. What kind of a sick person would do that?

I got my hair fixed yesterday, and unfortunately wasn’t able to go to the Irish Moon pagan gathering because my stupid boss forgot that I’m not supposed to be scheduled for Friday nights.

I miss Ex #4 something awful. I really shouldn’t. But he was determined to make sure that I knew how special I was to him the other day. So I guess I felt better about that, but the whole damn situation is like a Twilight Zone or something. I don’t even know what to think anymore. I don’t even know if having him in my life is a ‘good’ thing. I just miss him and want to avoid him at the same time.

Today is my 4 year anniversary and I just want to crawl into a hole and stay there until today is over. I wish Ex #4 were around to give me some sort of comfort, but alas he hasn’t contacted me in a day or two. I guess I just wasn’t on his mind. Am I ever anymore?

Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Okay I think I’m going to stop with this whole feminine thing. Some of it is good, but a lot of this feminine shit is annoying. Take eyebrow waxing for instance. Why would anyone in their right mind want hair yanked from their skull?

So I went and got mine done yesterday, I didn’t really want to but my cousin talked me into it. (I always liked my eyebrows.) Well, I don’t like them now. Fortunately they’ll grow back but it just DOESN’T look like me. And now I gotta live with it for months. Grand.

I went to get my hair highlighted, and not only did the woman cut it too short (which I can live with), but she made my hair look like some ash/smokey color. And it’s normally just a light gold. How annoying. I hope she plans to fix it Friday because I’m not paying all of that money for something that doesn’t look right anyway.

*sigh* I’m depressed. I’m definitely going to stop trying to change things about myself. I looked fine before hand, I don’t know what I was thinking.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I’m having a heck of a time.

We had this emergency come in at work the other day. A medium size mutt looking dog was hit by a car. The lady carries the dog in, wrapped in her sons coat. Of course as soon as she walks in, blood literally -spills- from the dogs mouth. It was just non-stop, like pouring a glass of tomato juice. Sorry for the image.

So I have her lay it on the treatment table, and Dr. Wiseman (AKA Dr. Death), and one of the Techs, Linda start doing their thing. Meanwhile they have me holding the oxygen onto the dogs mouth. Of course blood is still just spilling everywhere, it’s all over my hands, my clothes, everywhere. Great way to experience my first time helping with an emergency in the back. Well, of course the dog died, because Dr. Wiseman is incompetant. It was horrible. I never want to work with that man again.

Jeff had a long talk with me Sunday night. He was really concerned that I’ve been avoiding him the past couple days. I actually felt like he was sincere about it too. He all but begged me to stay close friends with him, and to open up to him. It was very sweet.

Well, of course sweetness doesn’t last forever. Yesterday we pretty much agreed to me coming home after work and playing some Warcraft together or something. Well when I get home he’s already playing, no problem there. I thought perhaps I could join in later. Turns out later turned into never, he kinda just signs off and ignores my phone calls. Here it is 6:30am in the morning and I still haven’t heard from him. So I’m assuming he went out. Figures.

Why do I let myself get my hopes up? I guess it needed to happen. At least now I won’t put my guard down anymore. For now I just have to deal with the disappointment and pain, and hopefully I’ll learn from it. *sigh*

Why does it seem like my money keeps disappearing. I hate that. Where does it all go?

My Anniversary is coming up. November 30th will be my…..what….4th Anniversary? Not that I’ll be celebrating it or anything. I really need to get this divorce in order.

Do you think it’s possible to find a good, honest guy? I mean seriously? Is it worth the wait?

I wish things were back to the way they were before. I wish I was ignorant, hidden, stupid. I wish I didn’t know, I wish it didn’t happen. I wish I was good enough.

I hope I will be someday.

I hate the fact that I neglect my domain. I mean I pay for the damn thing, I should use it. By the way, go VOTE!

Thanks goes out to: sK, Patti, Lisa, Jeanie, Ellsie, Sarah, Mitch, Jenna, Cayla, Stacey, Melissa, Dru, Candice, Minnie, and Bob. All of these wonderful people have in some way left a message or spoken with me about probably the most difficult time I will ever have to go through right now. They’ve comforted me, they’ve offered solace. They’ve just been a friend when I’ve needed one. I really hope that you’ll visit them because they are very special people.

I haven’t been home at all this past week, except to catch 4 hours or so a night of sleep before heading to work the next morning. I’m pretty exhausted. I just don’t want to be home because I’ll let things fester about Ex #4, and who knows where I’ll end up.

I want to get everything out, I just want to spill all of the words with a few quick stroke of my keys here and feel better about ranting it all. The feedback that I get from people assuring me that I am indeed a person who deserves to be treated with respect, tends to help my motivation too.

But….unfortunately, I just don’t really want to stir it all up right now. I’ll feel empty afterwards. If I release it, I’ll be clinging onto something to fill in that rage that I’m holding inside. And then I’ll get depressed, and it’s just no more good.

I will say tho, that Ex #4 has been treating me like absolute shit lately. For a few days there, he was being my friend, and supporting me to help me deal with all of this. But now he’s just downright childish, ignorant, and rude. And I don’t even want to be his friend if he’s going to be like that. I just can’t deal with it.

Maybe it’s best I shut him out of my life for good? I still love him, I want nothing more than to stay friends with him. But how can I allow myself to be stomped on all the time? Why would I want to? Why does he want to be like that? Why does he think I’ll take it?

*sigh* I hate questions.

I did go to see Harry Potter last night. Was it me or was the second one a lot more…..I guess gory than the first? For little kids anyways. I mean there were spiders and snakes being stabbed and snake teeth stabbing Harry Potter and it was just, weird. I mean it was good, but……..weird. I’ve also seen “The Ring” and “I-Spy” over the weekend. The Ring was very disturbing, but good, and I-Spy was funny as hell.

I’ll be updating my site and cliques and all of that jazz soon, hopefully. I want to get some more hostees in here.

I wish he wouldn’t treat me like I’m nothing

Thanks Sarah

I wish I felt up to posting, but I really don’t. I still feel so alone and broken, I don’t know where I am anymore.

I went out Friday with some of my old friends to Hillstreet in Hampstead, and became so drunk that I don’t know where I ended up, or where my bronco was. Eventually I figured out both Saturday. It felt good to be so incoherent, that I wasn’t thinking about him. But when you become sober you realize how much you miss him even more. I love him.

On a side note though, I did do a mean Janis Joplin on Karaoke that had the place up in arms.

*sigh* I just don’t know anymore. What’s next?