I threw up three times today, because I was stressing out about Ex #4.

I was so fucking angry. I was blasting Linkin Park and driving down the road at like 80 miles an hour in places that I wouldn’t normally go above 40. It was like a release of rage, and it felt good. I just didn’t give a shit, you know? If I had an accident, then I had an accident. Luckily I didn’t.

I’m so furious at him, I’m so angry, I’m so fucking disgusted. I could really get into why, but it’s 1:30 in the morning and I have to get up at 5:30. So maybe I’ll explain how I’m feeling better tomorrow.

But as far as today, at work, I thought I was going to suffer all day by thinking about him, but luckily a new lady who I was to train came in. She’s a nice lady, probably in her 50’s and she kept me distracted and gave me a lot of love advice, ha.

After work I went the gym with my cousin Steph and my friend Stephanie. Then we went to radio shack and I bought myself a cellphone I figured since I had such a shitty week, I deserved to splurge on myself. Made me feel better anyway.

After that we went back to the gym and talked with Ryan, the guy who’s been my personal trainer since I joined. He’s such a sweetheart, he’s really nice and has been training me for free even though he’s not supposed to. He’s about 24, gorgeous, not to mention buff, and seems to really have his shit together. Anyway we all decided to go get some food and see a movie. So we went to Ruby Tuesdays, since that’s where my cousin worked, so we got a discount.

Then we all decided to meet up with Stephanies boyfriend, Kyle, at the theatres since that’s where he worked, and get a movie in for free. We went and saw “Ghost Ship” which is a badass movie, and I really enjoyed it. We also met up with Stephs gay friend…..wait….I forget his name, but he was a riot. So it was basically Ben and Steph, Kyle and Stephanie, me and Ryan, and then the gay friend. Quite the group.

Kyle told me he wanted to take me out and buy me some yo girl clothes, he says I’d look “phat” in a pair of flannel pants and a fleece sweater and my white sneakers. Yeah, like -I- would ever be a yo girl.

I got home about midnight, and I feel so much better, I really do. My friends are so great, because the last guy that cheated on me, they kept me so distracted I didn’t have time to hurt, you know? Eventually I got over and moved on. I love them.

Eh……………I just found out this morning that he cheated on me last week, BEFORE we broke up Sunday…..

Not to mention he’s been lying to me since we started going out, that’s 2 years. How did I ever not realize who he really was?

And why do I still love him?

I am so fucked up right now, so very fucked up.

I’m staying home today because I’m sick. And I don’t really think I could work anyway, not after last night.

Everything is so surreal to me. I cried so much last night, and I still have a few tears falling in little spurts today, but I can’t really feel anything. I have this sense of loss but I’m so numb that I can’t really feel the pain. I’m just so incredibly unstable. I just want to make it all go away
Want to know the reason we broke up? Because I loved him too much. He thought that I clung to him, and he didn’t think it was a good thing. I always thought that when you loved someone, that clinging to them for support was a -good- thing. I thought that we were supposed to be there for each other through thick and thin. He made it sound like something dirty, but it wasn’t. It was beautiful. It’s what being in love is all about, being there for each other, growing together.

Why did I do this to myself? Why did I allow myself into this relationship in the first place? I should have known, and I’ll beat myself up a thousand times for doing this.

I still love him so much, I can feel it all over. What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to cope? There has to be a way to just, make it all go away.

I’m so confused. I hate making these types of entries, but I need to do something before I drive myself crazy.

I’m going to go lay down.

Let me explain.

Ex #4 dumped me tonight, and damn was it hard. I miss him so much already, but after talking with some very special people, they convinced me it was for the best. Because I deserve so much better. And they’re right.

So I’m just going to work and hang out with my friends, and go to the gym. Hopefully somewhere in there I’ll be able to meet the guy who will sweep me off my feet and treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

I still love Ex #4 though. *sigh* I always will love you. But you’re right, you weren’t good for me. Doesn’t change how I feel about you though.

In other better news, my cousin Steph is getting married, and asked me to be her maid of honor I’ll scan pictures, it’s in April.

God it’s been a hell of a week for me. Why am I still sane?

Thank you to everyone who e-mailed me, IMed me, or left comments. It’s well appreciated.

It’s just been one crazy week, one thing after another. So many animal deaths, more than usual. On top of the guy who died from a heart attack, it’s just death everywhere.

I’m about to head out to a drumming circle with Sati. She and I have been hanging out a lot lately, I’m not sure why. I think she likes hanging out with someone closer to her age. We call each other up and hang out doing witchy things. I used to not like being around her that much because she’s poly, and when she talks about it, I get very uneasy. I just don’t understand how people can have multiple sexual partners and not believe in romance or marriage or anything. But it’s just the way she is. Now that I’ve been spending time with her though, I like having someone around with a different frame of mind than myself. Someone I can get advice from who has a totally different perspective on things and won’t just tell me what I want to hear. She’s very blunt like that.

Ex #4 is having a lot of trouble with college, and it’s frustrating and stressing him out non-stop. Sometimes to the point where he’s been taking it out on me. We had an argument last night where he just blew up at me when all I was trying to do was comfort him and give him someone to talk to.

I really wish there was something I could say or do that would help him feel better about himself and his capabilities. Because he really is extremelly smart, just very very unmotivated. Plus I think a lot of the fraternity things he’s involved in and parties he goes to really do damper a lot of it. He’s out late at night, he probably doesn’t study as much as he should. But it’s what makes him happy, so I try to support him. Of course in turn, his temporary happiness is only crushed by his frustration and anger at himself when something goes wrong in school.

*sigh* It’s like a big damn cycle. I hope he finds the answers he needs soon. And I hope he knows that I’m always here for him. He’s my sweetie.

I got an e-mail from someone doing a ’story’ on how herbs enhance sexuality and they wanted my input. wtf?

I just had the most fucked up night of my life.

A couple and their 10 year old son came in to work today to put down their dog, Licorice. I had spoken with the mother on and off all day because she wanted to know things like, whether or not the dog could be taken off of IV’s for a picture or two before put to sleep, for the son, and the son would be taking the pictures. Not to mention the son was terribly upset, understandably.

Anyway, I see them come in, and they decided not to put Licorice down tonight, because the son was just too upset.

Then all of a sudden while they’re standing there getting ready to leave, the father collapses face first onto the floor. There’s blood coming from his mouth, his wife and son are screaming and yelling with panic. One of the other receptionists go to get a Doctor and I grab the phone and call 911 while trying to make my way over to him. The dispatcher walks me through everything I need to do while we wait for the paramedics to arrive. I’ve already taken a few classes on CPR so I have like a VERY BASIC idea of what to do, but when something like this happens, your mind goes blank anyways. Meanwhile this guy, who is a very very big guy, is turning fucking blue. We roll him over, start to administer CPR, and he ‘appears’ to be breathing.

I was so scared, because I knew there was nothing I could really do besides the CPR. Eventually the paramedics arrive, they take over with all this hi-tech equipment, and we basically just pace around and wait. After about half an hour they put him in the ambulance and rush him to the hospital. But before they leave one of them came back and thanked us for doing such a good job, but that he was dead before they even got there from a massive heart attack. So at some point this man died in our fucking arms.

All I could do was call my dad up to make sure he was okay, pack up my shit, and cry all the way home.

You just don’t realize, you know? You could be walking down the fucking street and suddenly just be gone. When he walked in the fucking door he didn’t know that in 20 minutes he’d be dead. I just don’t even know what to think at this point. All I could do was think about my dad and Ex #4.

I really had the best time I’ve had in a long while at the Samhain Ritual. There were so many people there, and I was able to bring my sister.

I got there early and hung out around the campfire, talked with some friends, messed with my guitar a little, and met a -lot- of new people. Ed’s Farm, where this took place at, is such a beautiful farm. It’s not only huge, but it has the highest peak in the county where a gorgeous handfasting took place about a week and a half ago. I plan to go up there as often as possible, I just felt at home. It reminded me of our old farm.

Once people started arriving, and it started getting cold (and I mean fucking cold), we all cuddled around the bonfire, roasted marshmallows, hotdogs, and warmed up a lot of coffee and cocoa. People brought a lot of food such as home made stews and chilis, and we all pitched in for about 10 pounds of the best slow cooked beef you’ve ever had.

When the ritual began, we all gathered in a huge circle with our candles and offerings and did our thing. It was a very pretty ritual, I enjoyed the singing.

Afterwards we ate some more, drank -lots and lots- of meade, and drummed. I drummed until my hands were frostbitten and then I had to take Sister home. But I really did have a wonderful time. I certainly didn’t want to leave to go to work this morning
I felt at peace
I’ve realized that coming home has been depressing me. And that worries me because I love my home here, I love our woods, I love our flowers, it’s like my own private forest space. But when I come home, I start to worry. I’m reminded of my bills, of Ex #4, of all the things that have been stressing me out. And I don’t want to imbed that in my head, that coming home means being depressed. I should enjoy where I live, I shouldn’t make coming home the opportunity to worry over everything. But I feel like I shouldn’t be home anymore as much as possible. At least at work I’m too busy to worry about anything but hurt animals. When I’m out with my friends, I’m too tied up in having fun, and when I’m at the gym, I think about Ex #4, but in a good way. About how he’s my inspiration, and it always makes me do that one extra minute, or do that one extra lift.

I miss him, but I’m leaving him alone. I guess he needs it. What I need right now are a few good friends, a good time, and a few drinks. Maybe we’ll both get along better afterwards after we’ve spent this time away from each other. I hope so anyway.

Mom is starting her psycho crap again, not really another thing I want to open up but I don’t really have a choice. She’s being petty and obnoxious about having to pay child support for Sister. She called me up whining that “Vernon never lets me see Sister (which is bullshit), and yadda yadda and he yelled at me yadda yadda.” Yeah whatever. You called him an asshole for reporting you for not PAYING child support, serves you right.

I’ve thought about going to the doctor about my anxiety and depression. But I’d hate to think I’d have to be one of the people who are on a prescribed medication for depression. Though I was on valium for a while when my husband cheated on me. Perhaps an herbal remedy? I mean dammit I have to have enough control over my emotions to be able to deal with my depression on my own, right? Maybe some meditation..

Today, I shall be here.