I tried to call my mom today to see if I could have Sister tomorrow for a big Solstice party. Of course she said no, cause she had plans. Bitch.

A friend I haven’t seen since I was 19 stopped by today. It was really good to see him again. After work I was able to spend some time with my old crew, drinking and listening to Elvis. Yes, we are wild.

Ex #4 has been overly sweet to me lately. Sometimes it has me wary, because eventually I’m afraid things will just turn into one big battle again. So I’m not going to absorb into it too much until I know it’s sincere or going to last. I do so enjoy it though. It feels good being close to him. Well, being around him at all feels good. I love him.

My friend Phil, who’s house we hung out at tonight, is going through a lot of problems. He just got married in February, after dating the girl for 4 months. She’s now pregnant and due in January. I knew that they shouldn’t have gotten married but how do you say that to a friend who is hell bent on it? And now he says he just wants to strangle her sometimes. I told him “Been there, done that.” Just go with the flow for a little bit, and if it doesn’t work, then get a divorce and plan out your visitation. That’s about all you can do, but that certainly doesn’t mean you can’t move on.

I don’t like his wife anyway, she’s a bitch.

I’ve come to the conclusion that with all of my domain troubles, that Mitch and Joe are going to have to leave. Not that I wanted it this way, but I’m not chosing sides or favorites. This situation is not entirely ones fault. And I hate how some people try to make it seem that way. Mitch has already volunteered to go, and I will certainly miss him. He is a good friend
I also have another friend who seems to be getting themselves in a little mess too. I just don’t know what to do with everyone. What’s with all the negative vibes! I’m going to keep my mouth shut on that one. Too messy.

I haven’t talked to “Ex #1″ but maybe 4 times in the past months. Something just seems odd about that. I saw him at Thanksgiving, haven’t heard from him since, and it’s been a month? I dunno, maybe he finally gave up? Maybe I can finally go forward with the divorce papers? Hrm, interesting.

I have been in an out of character good mood lately. I believe it’s because of Ex #4. No. I know it is.

Things are getting so frustrating lately.

Paulie seems to be the only one knocking some sense into me lately, it’s a shame he wasn’t around last night cause I could have used it.

I’ve just been in a lot of pain. I don’t know why I’m so stupid sometimes. Like last night I was talking to Ex #4 and he convinced me to open up to him, and when I did, he completely ignored it. He never said a word, never inquired, nothing. I just don’t get it, why ask if you didn’t want to know? Why make it seem like you care and want to help and understand, and then blow it off? Even as a friend that’s not something you should do. And I needed a friend.

I wish I knew why I was having such a hard time getting over Ex #4. I wish it were easier. I wish I didn’t fall so deeply in love with him that I have to deal with so much pain right now. And I keep ending back where I started. I have all of these questions and things that I don’t understand. I have so many things that I want to know or that I suspect, but I can’t ever ask. So I’m always in this swirl of doubt and worry. Do you know what that can do to a person?

blah. I need help.

The concert the other night was great, as I knew it would be. Lord of the Ring comes out in three days, and I’m psyched to see it. Then again I’m not, because it was a big thing that Ex #4 and I also shared together and I’ll be wishing he were there beside me.

I saw a hawk swoop down from the sky the other day and slam into the snow. A bunch of snow flew in different directions while he flopped around and then took off with a yummy mouse in his talons. It was quite the site, considering the hawk is my totem.

I haven’t done hardly any holiday shopping yet. I hate shopping, but I guess that’s my goal for the next week. We’re also have a big solstice gathering Sunday that I have to help prepare for and create an old family recipe for.

Right now I don’t want to be around Ex #4.

I am so excited. Sasha Mercedes is playing at the Irish Moon tonight, and I am SO going. Sasha Mercedes is one of my idols, she plays a lot of acoustic rock. Kinda like Stevie Nicks, but a little more modern. And she’s -really- good. How I would love to play with her. Actually, I’m going to bring my acoustic guitar with me. I’ll upload some of her music later.

On another note, Ex #4 and I got into it -again- today. The gist of the conversation was me apologizing for buggin him last night, and then today trying to talk to him and, and him basically saying he didn’t have time for this right now, and signing off. Such a great friendship, yus?

I’ve just had it. I’m a -good- person and deserve to be treated that way.

I’ll tell you what I need, I need a man, and a good one at that. I really hope I have a good time tonight. In fact I know I will.

Okay, I am seriously getting sick of this crap.

LET ME CLARIFY:

I posted a comment on Joe’s site when he was complaining about having no one to talk to. My comment CLEARLY stated “Isn’t your girlfriend there to support you.”

I get home from work today, bombarded with IMs that apparently shit hit the fan, and now Joe and Jenna are mad at me for some ungodly reason.

You know, I’ve never once did anything wrong to you two. I’ve been there for you, especially you Jenna, I’ve supported you, I’ve never told Mitch ANYTHING you’ve ever said to me, and vice versa. I’ve tried to be a decent host and a friend to all of my hostees. And this just really disappoints me that it has to come to this, after everything we’ve been through.

I don’t know or CARE what is going on between you and Joe, and I’m not even insinuating. If you want to threaten to all of the other hostees that you’re going to leave, fine. But if you have a problem, then you come directly to -me-. Do not make assumptions before you’ve even had the chance to talk to me and straighten this shit out. I want to be friends with you guys, but give me some credit already.

Haven’t been in the mood to really post lately. I got a new puppy the other day A fawn colored pitbull mix that is about 3 or 4 months old. He looks like a little deer. I haven’t figured out what to call him yet, I’m sure it’ll come to me. He’s pretty good about peeing outside, but he still messes in the house *grumble* And he has to get used to being crated at night. I think last night he barked for three hours *faint*

We had an ice storm here today, I love seeing the trees covered in ice, it’s so pretty. Of course I hit about 3 different branches that had snapped off on the way home and almost killed myself each time because I was slipping and sliding all over the road. Scared the crap out of me. Speaking of accidents, I had a minor one a few days ago as well because of ice and ended up with a cracked rib. Fun yes?

Things are going somewhat average at the moment. I still miss Ex #4, and I’m a little concerned about a few things that have to do with him, but all in all I guess things are going okay for once. I think I convinced him that I didn’t have some illusion about what type of person he really was, the other night. I felt better about that because now he believes me when I tell him I love him.

My friend Paulie called me pathetic tho today…..I don’t know if he was joking or not, but it kinda hurt either way.

I was a little wary when all of this started out, and now I’m just pissed off.

I’m only going to say this once, and I’m not saying it to be mean, but I’m not going to tolerate any type of -war- on my domain.

I’m not taking any sides on this matter, because it’s not my place to. And quite frankly it’s not anyone elses either unless they were directly involved in the matter. And if you’re not Mitch, or Jenna, then you’re not involved.

Whatever arguments you two are having, need to be settled without dragging the other hostees into it. Not to mention, myself. I will be an ear to vent to or a shoulder to lean on, but don’t put me into the middle of this mess.

I am very disappointed to hear about all of the mean things being said between people. You’d think that people would realize how much it hurts and affects them. I’ve been through hell and back in not only my marriage, but my relationship with Ex #4. And STILL, I try to act with at least some shred of humanity towards them. It doesn’t pay to make enemies just because you’re angry and want someone to blame. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth.

I am not happy about my hostees being at each others throats. You all got along and respected each other at one time. Hell, even a week ago. Work out your details and be done with it. I really don’t want to think that making each other miserable is really going to make you feel better.

That’s my rant for now. Had to get it off my chest.

Kestrel is an amazing person.