This is just a small request. All of the advice that people have been giving me to try and help me during this extremelly difficult time is so very appreciated. It really is. But please don’t bash Ex #4 in my comments. This is still the love of my life and the most important person to me, no matter what he’s done. I vent about him a lot, especially lately. And little did I know but he -does- read this journal. But I’m still very much in love with him and I’m trying so hard to feel my way through this entire situation. Sometimes I can handle it, but other times, like when he and I fight, I’m so desperate for somewhere to release my anger or frustration. And a lot of times Ex #4 isn’t there for me, so I have to do it here.

But bashing him isn’t going to make me feel better, it isn’t going to make him want to talk to me anymore, it isn’t going to make him realize what he does, if anything it will make him angry with me and try to avoid me, which will hurt so much more And I don’t want to hurt him, if anything I want to be there for him and comfort him. And I want him to be able to open up to me. I just wish he would realize that and not take such offense to a lot of the things I do.

Where do peoples morals and common sense go?

Ex #4 told me this story last night about a friend of his who I believe lost his virginity to some girl who was going away to Korea for the military and wanted one last fling before she goes? And he didn’t use any type of protection.

How stupid can you get? What if she gets pregnant? What if there is some sort of STD involved? Why sleep with someone you aren’t even ‘with?’

I just cannot compute, in my mind, why people do shit like this. I don’t understand. I don’t know why Ex #4, the person who I respected most in the world, would lower himself so much to sleep with a complete stranger. He regrets it sure, and he says he’ll never do it again. But it’s already done. You don’t need to do it again, all that would do would verify that you’re a manwhore. Right now you’re just a cheater.

*sigh* I had an awful night. I was talking to Ex #4. When he told me that story of his friend, it hit too close to home. He knew it and stopped, I’m sure that he felt bad. Then I suddenly hear a bunch of drunk females knocking on his room door. Apparently his suitemate let them in. And of course, being the drunk whores that they were, they were all over Ex #4 while he was on the phone with me.

I wish I could really explain how hurt I was. No amount of repetative whining and depressing sentences could ever really explain. I cried, a lot. It took him a few minutes, but he eventually got them to leave.

Why does he want to be in an environment like that? Why does he want to have friends like that? Why would anyone? Maybe my expectations of my friends is a bit too high? Maybe my own morals are a bit too much like a fantasy? Maybe sleeping around with any fucking person you want is the way that the world works and I should just accept it? Maybe drugs and alcohol and cigarettes are okay because they are ‘fun’ and never really hurt anyone so why not toss out all of my moral fiber and become one of the girls that people like Ex #4, people that I’ve given my heart to, want to be with?

Would that then, make me a suitable girlfriend?

I had a very odd dream last night:

My father and I were living in an apartment in Eldersburg, a town over from where we are now. There was a big eruption on the news about how Eldersburg was the staging point for a secret nuclear attack on Al-Qaeda(sp). Well of course they heard about it so out of the blue they start bombing Eldersburg. One went off near our apartment, and we saw the huge black cloud of smoke. So we grab my cat and run to the car. I think my cousin Stephanie was with me. Anyways, so we get ready to leave and we see these powerwheels all over the place. You know the ones that kids ride around on these days? And apparently they’re all rigged with bombs, and one is coming straight for us. So my dad is driving like a bat out of hell to get away from the deadly powerwheel *rofl*

We eventually get on a plane, only to find out it is being piloted by another terrorist. But oddly enough he only uses the plane to threaten and eventually lands at some remote airport in the mountains. But once we land, he either commits suicide or somehow runs, and leaves the plane barreling down an icy mountain road, with us in it.

When we eventually -do- crash, most of us were okay. I used Stephs cellphone to call Ex #4 and tell him everything that’s going on, and he laughs in my face :(. While I’m on the phone with him, I learn that my father didn’t survive the crash, and I get so mad at Ex #4 that I throw the phone, and then I woke up.

So yeah. Don’t know where -that- came from.

Ex #4 and I got into an argument last night, expected? He’s stressed out because all of these finals and shit are coming up. He called me (not sure why) while he was walking back to his dorm. Of course I welcome any phonecall from Ex #4 When he gets there, it pretty much felt like he was rushing me off, so I made a ‘joking’ comment about him jumping the gun to get off the phone, and he blows up at me. Basically telling me to ‘excuse’ him if he has all of this shit to do and is he supposed to cry every time he has to hang up the phone, and yadda yadda.

*sigh* Stress is no good for anyone. Especially when you take it out on your ‘friends.’

It snowed a good half a foot last night, it’s snowing even now. The first ‘real’ snow of the season. I love it. I live on this very windy street which is lined with trees on both sides. And when I drive through there after a fresh coating of snow, it’s one of the most beautiful things in the world. It’s like my own winter wonderland. Right now I’m watching the little snow birds hop around under the bird feeder picking up scraps of seed.

Time for 4-wheel drive.

This absolutely gorgeous guy came into work last night and I had to wait on him. But I kept stuttering and dropping things and messing up because he was just, gorgeous. He had this long straight, beautiful brown hair and a goatee. And he wasn’t one of those scraggly dressed guys with long hair either, he was actually very stylish. So I was pretty embarassed, I hope he didn’t realize what an idiot I was

I think that’s one of the reasons I’m so attracted to Ex #4. I like stylish guys. It’s such a turn on for some reason Guys in suits with expensive tastes who are into fine things. Rowr.

I have a new hostee: Caroline.

I’m so depressed this morning, it’s like I have this big sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that won’t go away. I’m debating on whether or not I should explain why.

I am still completely in love with Ex #4. After everything, the lying, the cheating, the assholishness. One day out of spite I’ll tell him that I never knew who he was, and then the next day he’ll tell me I’m the closest person in his life and I’ll know that I know him better than anyone. And I know him more than he and I realize.

I’ve been dreaming about him a lot lately too. Not all necessarily good dreams. Last nights was pretty heart-breaking. I almost woke up in tears.

Ex #4 asked me to make him a journal last night. And I’m going to. It’s not going to be linked here without his permission, and I don’t think he’ll want it to be. He had mentioned that he wants a place just to write about his day, and at some point it may involve girls.

So I told him I’d make it, but that I wasn’t going to read it. I just don’t know if I can add the stress to my already fragile emotions of reading about him going out with other girls. This kinda upset him because the main reason he wants the journal is so that I would read it, and that I would understand who he is.

Almost romanticism when you think about it. But at the same time I’m scared. Ex #4 has been overly sweet and kind to me the past few days, and I’ve enjoyed his company so much. When he calls me cute, or sweet, it’s almost like ‘old times.’ But I wonder if it’s all just futile. I don’t want him to move on, and I don’t want to move on. But he doesn’t want to be involved with me, why, I don’t even know anymore. It can’t just be the distance thing. It could just be that he’s not interested in a serious relationship. But we get along so well, and we’ve always been there for each other, what could be wrong about any of that?

Then there are some days, where Ex #4 does things that he just must not realize hurt like a bitch.

*sigh* I think I’m starting to confuse myself, so I apologize if anyone reading this is like “What the fuck?”

I should go to the gym today, but I most likely won’t. I didn’t yesterday either, because my motivation just went kaput. My friend Steph will chastize me for it and make me feel awful for not going. So that will just brighten my fucking day.

I had probably the best Saturday I’ve had in a long time. I spent the whole day talking with Ex #4, or playing Warcraft or some other innanity. I wish that I could really express how happy I was. It’s probably not a good thing, with us getting closer together, because I’ll end up getting hurt more. But Saturday it felt so worth it. If only every day was Saturday.

The reason we had such a good time was probably because he was home, and not at college. I think he tends to not be so moody when at home. And not so distracted with beer, heh.

I’m just a glutton for punishment.

I went to see “8 days” last night, that Adam Sandler Christmas cartoon. It wasn’t bad, I got to see it for free so I can’t complain. Some parts were hilariously sick. I really want to see James Bond though.

Does anyone else think that old school Red Hot Chili Peppers was so much better than this new crap? It’s all over the radio, and I just don’t like it.

I’ve been falling in love with sunrises lately. Some days I get to leave for work just as the sun is coming up and creating the most beautiful colors in the sky. Today was one of those days. There was a thick blanket of clouds that looked like the surface of a planet, perfectly carved with craters and mountains. The sun was creating this dark pink hue, and I swear it looked like something alien. How lucky I am.

Money has been tight, I may ask to work some double shifts so I can get some of these bills paid and still have some money for presents. I’m hoping to do most of my shopping online just to save hassle because I -abhor- shopping. Especially at Christmas time. People are mean, pushy, crowded, and nothing is stocked. I hate money.

I’ll be having a new hostee move in soon, but I’m having trouble finding her e-mail address, so we’ve been playing guestbook tag. I also put up my Christmas List under “Girl.” I may try to put up some more of my music this week. If I feel in the guitar playing mood.

You know what would be really nice for Christmas? Falling in love again.