Ever since watching Amistad, I’ve really been getting into Tribal music. I mean I’ve always loved tribal drumming, but lately it’s gotten signficantly worse. I downloaded a bunch of African tribal djembe music and let me tell you, the shit is -great-. I was reading up on the history of the djembe, and it was believed that the djembe was a magical instrument because when played, it made people dance. Well sitting here listening to it makes me want to get up and dance so I’m beginning to believe it’s true I don’t know, the whole culture just facinates me. I told Ex #4 that one day he has to take me to Africa.

Court is on Thursday, I’m a little nervous, -again-. This time I’ll have to get up and testify against my mother -again-. I have to prepare some papers today because I’ve been lazy and putting it off. Basically just of phone conversations I’ve had with my mother. I had to get some of the information off of my journal here because I forgot to write some of them on paper. So that’s my task for today.

I bought Ex #4 two things for Valentines day, cost me $80 approximately. I got him _ and , oh wait, he reads this, I can’t say *snicker*

Have I mentioned I love my hostees?

Amistad, I just have to say, is one fucking great movie.

The Imbolc ritual today was very relaxing. Cold, but relaxing. We held the ritual outside in the snow, but honestly I could really feel nothing but warmth from the fire of Imbolc. I think a lot of it had to do with the closeness I feel for the druids at Cedar Light Grove. I feel extremelly welcome there. All of the hugs and smiles and welcomes. Sati and I have grown closer as friends too I’d like to think.

I have so many questions in my mind right now. I feel like I have so many decisions to make, like I’m resting in the palm of my hand trying to decide which path to finger out on. I’m starting to realize just what a Turning Point in my life I’m at right now. I’m not quite sure how to go about deciding what is the right path for me to take, and quite frankly it’s kinda scary.

I think I needed that ritual though. I needed that time among pagan friends. It even inspired me to put together a song for next Imbolc that I actually started working out by singing to myself on the drive home.

I was a little shy at the ritual when everyone was stating their commitments for the new season. So I’d like to list them here. First being that I want to change a bit of my lifestyle. Eating healthier, going to the gym regularly, and doing more things around the house. The second is I want to allow myself to heal emotionally. I want all of the emotional damage and stress that I’ve been holding onto, to die away with the winter. I want to start a new path to be happy, to be loved, and to love. I want to stop letting my anger get the best of me and be friends with as many people as I can. I want to cherish the time I have with my sister and my father, knowing that with the death of my Aunt, that I could just as easily lose my father at any moment. I want to find true love.

And it’s about time I started doing things that made me happy, dammit.

Well, I’ve been up since 3am, it is now 1am, and I must be up at 5am. So excuse me whilst I collapse.

My aunt passed on at 12:30 today. I hope her next reincarnation is as wonderous. Merry Partings Aunt Toots.

Thanks Em
What a truly inspiring image of Artemis/Diana. You’ve been very good to me, and I love your talented work

Lets rant some more, shall we?

I am a good employee. My hours are flexible. I’ll work morning, I’ll work night, I’ll work doubles every once in a while. I do extra work, I do efficient work (I was even told I was being TOO efficient once). I only ask not to work Friday nights, and if possible off every other Sunday. And the Sunday thing I just started last week, so before then it was only Friday nights. I’ll work all god damn day Christmas and Thanksgiving and any Christian related holiday. All I ask in return is that I have off for -my- holidays. The Solstices/Equinoxes, etc.

Well. I asked off for Saturday due to the Imbolc ritual being scheduled for then. Do I get it? I get a nice big fat 7 to 3 shift with no one to switch days with. The ritual starts to gather at 3. I had somewhere else to be at 10am. Not to mention I was going to catch a ride down with a friend who is evidentally going early.

So who got fucked over this time? Me. The versatile employee. Yes. Lets piss me off.

My little gears are working though to find any way around this.

[/end rant]

I am so god damn frustrated. The pagan group that I’ve been a part of for a year now is falling a part. All because the oh so good Pagans who love and respect ALL religions, are now attacking one of our fellow witches on mere hearsay. He is not having us meet at the Irish Moon Coffee House as much anymore due to the local Christian marauders causing him a lot of grief for it. I know he’s not perfect, from what I hear he’s done a few rotten things to another friend of mine. But god damn, how fucking hypocritical and disgusting can people get? I try to be a mediator in the whole thing instead of saying what I really wanted to, and I’m also attacked personally in an e-mail basically saying I was trying to act like a goody two shoes. Yeaaaaaaah okay.

I’m sitting here, just finished watching Bloodsport, now watching Kickboxer, and I keep thinking about my cousin Jon. The one who was murdered a few years back and was a year older than myself. He used to be really into kung fu type movies. He and I used to spar a lot when we were younger, actually. Since we both took karate for numerous years. It’s really strange not having him around. It’s like you always expect people to be there, and when they’re gone, there’s just this empty pocket that’s never filled. You forget about it for a while, but once it comes up, it’s just…….I dunno, weird.

I have an aunt in the hospital as well. She’s 90 years old, broke her hip, and when they tried to do surgery they found a blockage in her heart. Once they got that fixed, her kidneys failed. I seriously don’t think she’s going to make it. I can just feel it in my gut. The same thing happened to all of my grandparents. Every single one of them. Yet another person who used to be a significant part of my life that will just be gone. Another empty pocket.

She’s afraid of Santa Clause. Imagine that. A 90 year old woman afraid of Santa Clause.

So yeah, my days aren’t exactly full of sunshine and flowers at the moment. But at least I have Ex #4.

Series one - The Usual

– Name: Crystal

– Birth date: April 13th

– Birthplace: Westminster, Maryland

– Location: Same

– Eye Color: Green

– Hair Color: Blonde

– Righty or Lefty: Righty.

– Zodiac Sign: Aries

– Innie or Outtie: Innie.

Series two - Describe…

– Your heritage: Native American, Irish, German, Polish, Dutch, etc

– The shoes you wore today: It was my day off, so I wore moccasans, otherwise red leather docs

– Your hair: Straight, blonde, plain, wavy sometimes when I don’t really want it to be.

– Your eyes: Deep green with little speckles of brown at the center

– Your fears: Deep sea, Sinking Ships, Losing Ex #4, Spiders

– Your perfect pizza: Pepperoni, Mushrooms, Sausage, Extra Cheese, Deep Dish

– One thing you’d like to achieve: Developing a good career

Series three - What is….

– Your most overused phrase on aim: “Ha.”

– The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: Their eyes

– Your best physical feature: My eyes and lips

– Your bedtime: Never!

– Your greatest accomplishment: Taking care of my dad and sister

– Your most missed memory: Being 18, and NOT being married

– Your favorite article of clothing: My leather jacket, or my boots, or my numerous pieces of jewelry

– Pepsi or coke: Coke (Suck it, Ex #4)

– McDonald’s or Burger King: Taco Bell

– Single or group dates: Single

– Adidas or Nike: Docs

– Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Arizona Mandarin Orange Green Tea

– Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate

– Cappuccino or coffee: Tea, I hate coffee or anything tasting like it

– Boxers or briefs: Boxers

Series four - Do you?…

– Smoke: No

– Cuss: Yes.

– Sing well: Yes.

– Take a shower everyday: Yes.

– Have a crush(es): No.

– Do you think you’ve been in love: I am right now.

– Want to go to college: Yes.

– Like high school: Yeah, I did, it was fun.

– Want to get married: Only if I’m sure this one is the RIGHT one.

– Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: Yes. Except I have trouble with the number keys sometimes

– Think you’re attractive: Sometimes

– Think you’re a health freak: I wish I was, I want to be?

Series five - In the past 3 months, did/have you…

– Drank alcohol: Yes.

– Smoked: No.

– Done a drug: No.

– Made Out: No.

– Gone on a date: No.

– Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No.

– Been on stage: Not……really.

– Been dumped: heh, unfortunately

– Gone skating: No.

– Made homemade cookies: Yes.

– Been in love: Yes.

– Gone skinny dipping: No.

– Dyed your hair: Yes.

– Stolen anything: Well, hrm.

Series six - Have you ever…

– Played a game that required removal of clothing?: Yes.

– Been caught “doing something”: No.

– Been called a tease: Yes.

– Gotten beaten up: No.

– Shoplifted: No.

– Changed who you were to fit in: No.

Series seven - The future…

– Age you hope to be married: 30 something, actually, anytime when I’m sure it’s not a mistake

– Numbers and Names of Children: I’d like to have quite a few kids if possible. I always liked large families. I’ve also always been partial to the name Morgan Rayne and Madison.

– Describe your Dream Wedding: I would rent something like the Renaissance Festival and make everyone dress up medieval and it would be outside in the woods somewhere. Very authentic.

– How do you want to die: In Ex #4s arms

– What country would you most likely visit: Ireland, Scotland, Egypt, Tibet, Thailand, Italy, Australia

Series eight - Significant Other…

– Best eye color? Any, really. Just eyes that stand out.

– Best hair color? No preference, though I do like long hair, rowr.

– Short or long hair?: Oh heh, either are really fine I guess.

– Best height: 5′10″ to 6′2″ ish.

– Best weight: Doesn’t matter.

– Best articles of clothing: Nothing?

– Best first date location: Somewhere romantic

Series nine - Number of…

– Number of drugs taken illegally: 0.

– Number of people I could trust with my life: 4.

– Number of CDs that I own: 500

– Number of piercings: 2.

– Number of tattoos: 2.

– Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: Several from when I was little, but nothing recently. Mostly school related.

– Number of scars on my body: Several, I was a severe tomboy.

– Number of things in my past that I regret: 3 or so I guess, maybe more.

Series ten- Right now

– Wearing: Black tank top, blue and brown broomskirt

– Eating/Drinking: Chocolate Malt Milk

– Listening: Mediaeval Baebes

– Thinking: I wish I was in Illinois. I wish Ex #4 wasn’t so worried about what everyone -else- thought. Only he and I matter.

– Anticipating: Getting back into the habit of going to the gym.

– Watching: Was watching Xena but…now nothing.

– Date: 02.02.03

– Time: 10:30pm