Inner Turmoil (I’m just pissed off)
I have been such a bitch lately. I really have.
I’m not sure what the problem is entirely. I think I’m really frustrated about getting rejected for EVERY FUCKING JOB I APPLY FOR…..but also being stuck in the house here. I’m disappointed in myself for letting my spiritual self go, I’m disappointed that I seem incapable of ever getting a job or going to college. I’m disappointed in myself because I can’t think clearly enough to write music.
I’ve been taking a lot out on Ex #4, and I feel so completely horrible about it. He hasn’t made things much easier though. He’s been very lazy. And it annoys me so much that someone can be spoon fed everything and never have to work for it, when I’m trying so hard just to take care of myself. But at the same time he has been very loving and devoted and we have become so much closer this summer than we have ever been.
I’m worried about him going off to college, I don’t want to go through what I went through last year. I know he won’t cheat on me again, I just don’t want him to feel like he has to fit in again. Like he has to drink or try a drug or party all the time because people will like him better because of it. No one likes anyone better for that shit. I never liked someone better because they drank with me. And why do all that and lose your real friends and the people close to you in the process?
I’m starting to believe him when he says things aren’t going to be that way this year though. But he has always had a strong urge to fit in. I guess it’s a battle between that urge and his morals. What the hell is wrong with being a nerd anyway? I like him the way he is, not the way he portrays to be.
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6 Responses to “Inner Turmoil (I’m just pissed off)”
August 16th, 2003 at 1:12 pm
first of all, *HUGS*
i know you dont remember me, but I come here once in a while.. and I did link u up… so i still read your entries once in a while.
I’m sorry about everything that’s been going on right now. you should take some time off and clear things in your head.. maybe a bubble bath, a walk through a park would help. i know it’s really fustrating to go through job searching and not get a job. shoot, ive been trying for the longest time and still, this whole summer was just a waste. Just keep trying bebz. Eventually will hire you =)
i know some people like your friend Jeff. *err.. lucky people I guess? with the whole “trying” to fit in.. I think he’ll realize that it’s not important when he is ready to really mature up.
i hope you feel better bebz. just remember. you’re not alone.
August 17th, 2003 at 4:52 pm
Aww.. cheer up!
Look at the bright side, your hosting a bunch of new people, and working hard at creating a real sence of community for the betterment of mankind itself!
August 17th, 2003 at 5:24 pm
I agree with Teesa. keep trying and don’t give up, on the jobs or on Jeff. people change, change is inevitable. its up to him to figure out whether fitting in is gonna help him in the future, which the way it sounds, it won’t. just keep your head high and don’t let this bug you too much.
August 18th, 2003 at 9:29 am
-hands you some chocolate-
patience, crys.
i’ve been rejected too for quite some time.
don’t give up!
DON’T QUIT
by Edgar A. Guest
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
when the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
when the funds are low and the debts are high,
and you want to smile but you have to sigh,
when care is pressing you down a bit - rest if you must,
but don’t you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns.
As everyone of us sometimes learns.
And many a fellow turns about when he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow - you may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than it seems to a faint and faltering man;
often the struggler has given up when he might have captured the victor’s cup;
and he learned too late when the night came down,
how close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out - the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
and when you never can tell how close you are,
it may be near when it seems afar;
so stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit - it’s when things seem worst,
you must not quit.
August 19th, 2003 at 12:19 pm
I’ve been unemployed for 3 months now and I know how you feel. Its so frustrating.
June 21st, 2004 at 11:31 pm
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