Erg, things are so confusing. Ex #4 is so busy with college we hardly talk. I can barely stand being around “Ex #1″ but feel obligated to talk to him at least once in a while since he’s helping me financially.

Even if I get this job at the Vet, it’s not going to be enough. I’m still going to need “Ex #1″’s help once in a while, and I hate that. I hate having to depend on anyone for anything. What if I need them and they’re not there?

It’s becoming more evident to me that music is where I have to go. I’m not entirely thrilled about it. Don’t get me wrong, I love playing music, and lately I -love- performing for people. But when/if I become more than just a smalltown guitar, things are going to change. I don’t like the idea of traveling so much away from my father and sister. But it’s what I have to do in order to take care of them.

My father and I were talking about it today, jokingly. About me becoming a famous musician and us being able to actually have trucks that don’t leak, and tool sheds that aren’t falling down, and a basement that isn’t made of dirt, and a refrigerator that doesn’t leak, and a house that isn’t falling down. My father can have health insurance and he won’t have to worry about what he’s going to have to do when he gets older, because -I- can take care of him. My sister will be able to go to college and have every opportunity that I never had. Heck maybe I will have the opportunity to go to college finally. Who knows.

I just feel like a failure. Plain and simple.

I never did last weeks Witches Weekly so I’m doing it now along with this weeks.

Who is your favorite pagan musician? If you don’t have one, do you have a favorite pagan song?
Lisa Thiel is one of my favorites, but I also love the tribal music of Clann An Drumma and Le Mystere Des Voix Bulgares. Though the last one isn’t necessarily pagan, I find ethnic music gives me a lot of primal/ancestral vibes.

What type of music or what sound do you like during meditation? If you don’t meditate, what sound relaxes you the most?
For meditating, I listen to a lot of softer music like Deuters “Wind and Mountain” cd, but I love drumming, drumming is my medtiation.

Does music create images/feelings for you, if so, what is the most memorable image/feeling you’ve had?
The person who was mentoring me some odd years ago used to have me meditate a lot, and I always meditated to this one song (which is a very awesome song btw, and very long) called “Mask of Seduction” by…….I forget, some guy. And I would always picture this completely black room with a line of fire down the center of it. I don’t know why. But I remember always trying to look at the fire from every angle possible.

Which sabbat or holiday is your favorite and why?
Beltane by far. Everything is so energizing, fragrant, and potent.

What form of divination (if any) do you prefer and why? If you haven’t used divination before, what form most appeals to you and why? (Tarot, Runes, Tea leaves)
I don’t really use divination that much, although I should. Runes are easy, tarot I’ve had trouble with because I haven’t actually sat down with my tarot deck to familiarize myself with it. I have a crystal ball I’ve used, but haven’t been very affective with, and I’ve tried fire. Really I use intuition more than anything.

What pantheon most appeals to your magical nature and why? (Celtic, Sumerian, Native American)
I started out with Native American because my father is extremely into the Native American culture. I’ve always had a connection with Egyptian and Greek pantheons, but I don’t really have a set one, yet. I guess I’m still searching.

Tamara made the 1000th comment, sweet.

Had a fun if exhausting weekend. The Handfasting (Pagan Wedding) was beautiful, although there were more occasions than not that I couldn’t hear what was going on. Rather obnoxious when you’re trying to enjoy a union between two people. Perhaps I’ll suggest to the list that during rites people should speak up more
Most of the weekend I spent reading, playing music, or trying to find -something- I could help out with. I washed dishes, I cleaned Sati’s cloak, I picked up the crapload of trash that was left over on Sunday morning since I was the first one up.

But the music was the best part. I don’t know what it was about this weekend but on a personal note, I felt that I played my music more passionately than normal. And on a crappy guitar that was donated to the Grove. Received a lot of compliments, which made me happy, of course.

There was a little incident over the weekend though that pissed me off. One of the younger girls wanted to spend the night at the Grove instead of going home, but her mother said no because she had no way to get home the next day. This girl is 12 or 13, and the only reason she wanted to stay was to see this boy Duncan she was dating the next day. But even still she bawled her eyes out, and I’m not talking just sobbing, I’m talking flat out obnoxious bawling. Eventually when her parents had enough, they started dragging her to the car and she was kicking and screaming at the top of her lungs. Not to mention this is at midnight or later. So I’m sure the neighbors were less than pleased.

Annoying.

There was also a guy there that kept hitting on me, not that it isn’t nice to be hit on, but that’s just not me, and I certainly wasn’t interested. I had to ask Wendy (15) to sit next to me all night so there was no room for anyone else.

So, though lack of sleep and sanity, I enjoyed spending time with everyone, and look forward to going down to the Grove more often. I’ll be working on their website this week as much as possible.

I’ve been working my ass off the last few days (I’m talking HOURS per day), reformatting my completely fubared World of Darkness e-zine known as De Vita In Excessum. It’s not the prettiest layout, but it’s completely more functional. (I haven’t updated it for years, so you can imagine how mess it was). So yes.

Went down to the druids grove last night for a lore meeting. We mostly talked about Rites of Passage and what could be considered a Rite of Passage. I’m hoping to learn a lot about the topic, because I’ve been casually planning my sisters own rite of passage.

Sati asked me to take her down there every thursday, to help them reward Wendy (14) for getting good grades. I don’t mind helping out, I just hate committing myself to things like that in case something comes up and then I feel all guilty if I can’t go. But I already said I would so I’m going to try hard.

Huge handfasting this Saturday. The two Senior Druids are getting handfasted (Finally!). Someone asked me what a handfasting was, it’s basically just a pagan wedding. Our own ritual for joining two people together. It is legal if you’re certified, which I believe they are?

I’ve been debating on doing a series of entries here soon that will basically allow me to archive certain, even trivial events in my past, so I can look back on them later. I doubt anyone would have any interest in reading them, but this is my journal, so quite honestly, I don’t give a rats ass lol.

There was a discussion brought up last night during the Rites of Passage discussion, about the different points in your life that society has kinda, set up for you as a rite of passage. 16 and getting your drivers license, 18 and being able to smoke AND considered a legal adult, 21 and being able to drink Alcohol. And it really annoyed the hell out of me.

At 18, you are able to wield a gun and kill people by joining the military, yet you can’t put a bottle to your mouth? At 16 you can drive a car (which is one of the TOP reasons for death), yet you can’t purchase an addictive stimulant?

We even talked about how even just 100 years ago, you were considered an adult at 15 and 16. These days, it’s like society is trying to lengthen childhood beyond what it EVER should have been. It’s almost sickening the way society has completely poisoned everything and they generate laws to make things the way THEY want it to be. Blah.

It honestly made me think about the whole “I can’t wait to be 21 so I can buy my own alcohol” deal. I went through that, from the time you’re 15 until 21 it’s something everyone wants. We like the thrill of drinking alcohol ILLEGALLY. But once you hit 21…..it’s no longer fun. That’s actually when I stopped drinking much. It was like “What’s the point..?” It makes me wonder if we should just lower the drinking age so less people are so excited about drinking.

Just so you know, I’m an active ANTI-smoker, and really the only alcohol I drink anymore is a casual drink that TASTES good. No piss water (beer) just to drink. And I’m even thinking about giving that up completely.

My father dropped off a resume at a new local vet this morning, I didn’t even know about it till an hour later when they called and told me to come in for an interview at 5pm today.

Wish me luck!

6 premium porkchops fried in extra virgin olive oil with garlic, onion, red pepper, and even a dash of old bay and oregano. White rice in herb and butter sauce simmering on top.

Yep, that’s what’s in my belly (well not all 6 porkchops, I ate 2). My first time cooking pork chops honestly, and boy do I amaze myself.

I had a lot of fun with my sister this weekend. You caught a glimpse of it in those mp3’s. Yesterday we ventured outside with strawberry milk in hand, and found a baby mouse hovering over some dropped sunflower seeds below a birdfeeder. The way he was positioned, it looked like he was hiding his head from something, it was very cute. So Sister caught him and we pet and played with him for a little while, offering him cheese, then eventually let him go where we found him.

My friend Jason and a friend of his came over yesterday to discuss making some music together. We played through a few small things, but being as this was our first ‘consultation’ there wasn’t much we could conjure up just yet. But we figured out a plan to start with, and we’ll see how soon we can cut a demo cd to send that record company that contacted me.

I bought 7 boxes of girlscout cookies from my sister. I am weak when it comes to peanut butter and caramel

My sister and I (she’s 9) were making some mp3’s of traditional pagan songs today, and I saved a few bloopers for anyone interested.

Blooper 1 Blooper 2 Blooper 3 Blooper 4