Confusion about what to do
Erg, things are so confusing. Ex #4 is so busy with college we hardly talk. I can barely stand being around “Ex #1″ but feel obligated to talk to him at least once in a while since he’s helping me financially.
Even if I get this job at the Vet, it’s not going to be enough. I’m still going to need “Ex #1″’s help once in a while, and I hate that. I hate having to depend on anyone for anything. What if I need them and they’re not there?
It’s becoming more evident to me that music is where I have to go. I’m not entirely thrilled about it. Don’t get me wrong, I love playing music, and lately I -love- performing for people. But when/if I become more than just a smalltown guitar, things are going to change. I don’t like the idea of traveling so much away from my father and sister. But it’s what I have to do in order to take care of them.
My father and I were talking about it today, jokingly. About me becoming a famous musician and us being able to actually have trucks that don’t leak, and tool sheds that aren’t falling down, and a basement that isn’t made of dirt, and a refrigerator that doesn’t leak, and a house that isn’t falling down. My father can have health insurance and he won’t have to worry about what he’s going to have to do when he gets older, because -I- can take care of him. My sister will be able to go to college and have every opportunity that I never had. Heck maybe I will have the opportunity to go to college finally. Who knows.
I just feel like a failure. Plain and simple.
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6 Responses to “Confusion about what to do”
October 1st, 2003 at 12:14 pm
From the bits and pieces of your life I’ve read about on here, you are far from a failure Crys. You’ve done so much and offered so much to so many people. I know that things get frustrating, but you’ve done so well in down times. I envy how much you keep things together, and I know that one day you’ll find the right path to bring you the things you deserve most. *smiles* Keep your chin up hun.
October 1st, 2003 at 3:06 pm
Thanks Tamara, that means a lot, it really does.
October 1st, 2003 at 10:56 pm
Your not a failur- you are talented in so many things.. I hope that you will be okay - its okay to get help from people. Don’t be afraid to ask!! Again, you have a wonderful site….
October 2nd, 2003 at 12:25 am
Indeed, failure is far from your list of characterisitcs. You have so much love and devotion inside of you. Don’t bring yourself down. Your rewards will come to you, even if it doesn’t seem like it at times. They’re waiting. Stay strong.
October 2nd, 2003 at 8:48 am
You are not a failure!
You’re just in a slump right now.
Just like a friend of mine told me a few years back. Life is like a wheel. Right now you’re at the bottom but soon you’ll be at the top again. And surely will be here for you both top and bottom
October 2nd, 2003 at 3:29 pm
well, i don’t know you, but music is one of the best things you can do. i live for music, it’s the thing that keeps me going and playing te guitar and viola for myself and other people, it makes them happy too.