A glimpse of the new layout I may put up sometime this weekend, maybe tomorrow, we’ll see. I’m going pink, someone save me.

Depressing day for the most part. But I keep fighting. Things have got to start looking up soon, right? I just keep reassuring myself that I WILL have a music career, and that my life consists of nothing but……..this. A void, and emptyness, without a purpose. Like a ghost, I sit here watching my loved ones either in pain, or I feel disconnected from their life. I keep trying and trying but nothing is happening. There has to be something I can do.

I decided to do a love/hate entry. The pipes just broke in the basement and it’s flooded and we don’t have any money, so I’m fairly ticked and need to vent.

I hate living in this house.
I hate the fact that every time I walk into the bathroom, I can see the basement.
I hate the fact that I’m afraid to take a shower sometimes, for fear of the floor collapsing.
I hate the fact that I worry EVERY DAY about our house burning down because the wiring is so old.
I hate the fact that we have cardboard walls.
I hate the fact that the basement is dirt, easy for mice to make their home.
I hate the fact that this house almost requires spider webs as decoration.
I hate that we can’t improve on the house because it isn’t ours. Though I do love the fact that if we ever have the money to move, we don’t have to fix up anything.
I hate our garage, it’s too small for any car.
I hate the fact that our garage has snakes in it, and I have to dig through it to get through all of my apartment stuff.
I hate our animal sheds, they are rotting and falling down, and there are large rats down there.
I hate our neighbor, even though they are relatives, they are nosey, and ignorant, and they dump all their cat litter for their 10 cats out back so you can smell it sometimes.
I hate how quickly this house gets dirty, because it’s so old and dusty.
I hate that all of our vehicles break down all the time.
I hate that I can scrub the kitchen cabinets until my arm falls off, but they are so stained due to lack of stove ventilation, it does nothing.
I hate the fact that we have no money to do anything.
I hate that no matter how many resumes I’ve sent out this summer, I am still unemployed.
I hate the fact that because of some sick bitch, I lost my other job.
I hate that we can’t afford to live anywhere else.
I’m starting to hate my life.

I love the fact that I have such a dedicated person in my life. Ex #4.
I love the area we live in, because it’s nice and quiet.
I love the fact that we have woods in the back, because it allows us some privacy.
I love all of my dads flowers, he’s one of the best gardners ever.
I love all our animals.
I’m very grateful that we even have this house, because we can’t afford anything else. I feel like I’m living “Little House on the Prairie” style.
I hate that our luck always seems to fail, but I love that it holds out JUST enough to get by.

Blarg.

My father, my sister, my cousin Steph and I, were all over my house for some reason. It was a crisp fall day, My Son was in the backyard playing.

Our house is nestled into some woods, and there isn’t anyone really behind us, just lots of woods. I had a few more pets than normal, that I didn’t recognize. Some of them looked foreign, like from Africa, so I couldn’t put a name to them.

I thought I was seeing things at first, but low and behold, behind our house, I see a very large, very mean Grizzly Bear. Who had just happened to take notice of the many critters my father and I raise here (Chickens, Geese, Ducks, Rabbits, etc). So he broke down the fence that lined our property to keep our animals in, and started going to town on -everything-.

In a vain attempt to save what we could and bring them into our shabby, poorly constructed house, a few of us went outside in hopes to rescue some of the poor creatures. We caught a few, some had already been severely injured and needed immediate medical attention. I myself was desperately trying to find one of my dads hunting rifles.

When I came back out I noticed my dad bleeding badly from one arm, so through a veil of horrific tears I run to him and drag him into the house, while trying to shoo the rest of the people in the house.

I shut both old wooden doors between the living room and the outside. And tell EVERYONE to be QUIET. 2 neighbors had came over and for some reason wouldn’t shut up. So by this time my temper is peaked and while still looking for some sort of weapon, I grab them both and tell them if they don’t shut up that they can go outside and talk to the bear personally. I then turned to my dad and while very heated, I pleaded to him about where the god damn hunting rifles were.

They were over my uncles of course…

So no gun, no way to get out, scared out of my wits and probably crying at this point.

I can see the bears head moving around on the back porch. If he decides to come through the door, we’re dead. After a while he eventually leaves, to the point where he’s out of site anyway, and I gingerly make my way onto the back porch. (as I’m typing this, just having the phone ring is making me jump out of my seat)
I notice he isn’t around, and I can’t find My Son anywhere. I do see a few small black bears also in the woods, I believe they were just cubs, and for some reason I try to lure them into my backyard, so that I can tie them to a tree. Probably in hopes that they’ll keep the grizzly occupied so we can get to one of the cars and get out.

While I’m tying the black bears to a tree, I start to hear the grizzly grunting, rather closely…and when I turn around, I notice he’s UNDER the backporch, chewing on a leash of some sort. So I sprint to the door, with the bear taking a few swings at my legs from under the porch, and I lock both the doors. The grizzly starts crawling out from under the porch, and attacking the black bears.

I’m start trying to herd everyone out the front door and into a car. One of the neighbors stops along the road and asks if we need help, and we just tell him to DRIVE. I think I eventually got everyone into the car and we sped off to a hotel while trying to call the police or SOMEONE.

All I can really remember after that is bawling my eyes out because I had no idea what happened to My Son, my dog.

Even though this was a dream, EVERYTHING was in such perfect detail. The yard, my house, the animals. And I seriously had to stand on the back porch this morning and just look out at the woods where I saw this stupid grizzly walking. And the thought of losing my dad………well……lets not go there.

My ass should have been in bed 3 hours ago, cause I gotta get up in 4 hours. But I got caught up in watching “Crib” on MTV. For those of you that don’t know it’s a show about celebrity homes, just gives you a nice little tour and lets you see how they want to show off their money.

I can’t express how much just watching 3 hours of this stupid show has motivated my poor broke ass to get my music career on the road. I sit here in my spider filled house with the bathroom floor rotting (you can actually see the basement) and a drop ceiling missing ceiling tiles. Then I see all of these celebrities with millions of dollars invested into these mansions, and I just want to cry.

I seriously just want to cry.

I could do this shit, I don’t even want some big fancy house, granted I want a nice house, but I’m not gonna be having 10,000 pairs of shoes, I’m going to be using my money for something useful. Saving the environment or something like that.

I’ve stayed in fancy hotel rooms before, mostly just by chance. One time I got stranged in Green Bay when I was on my way to Detroit and I was put up in this really nice hotel with room service. And I don’t know what it is. It’s like you sit there in this beautiful room, looking out at the world, like you have some class, like you’re actually important, or somebody.

The worst part is I’m doubting myself. I’m doubting my potential and my talent. I can’t read music, I don’t understand music theory, but I can sing, and I can play some guitar, and I’m sure I could learn scales if I actually sat down to do it.

Give me the strength to make my dream.