How exactly am I supposed to react when I get an e-mail that reads:

“I’d rather find someone who thought I was worthwhile and was willing to make things work from the get-go.”

“If that’s really how you feel then you’re right, I couldn’t care less what you think of me.”

There’s more to it than that, but those stung. Sometimes I think I’m insane for ever doubting wanting to be single. Where is -my- “Nice Guy.“

Sati let me borrow her digital camera for the week, because she wants me to take pictures of the campout and Beltane ritual this weekend. So I’ve been playing with it, so expect some pictures when I’m not getting ready to head to work.

I took one of the OTHER love of my life this morning: The Bronco

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl?s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they?re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don?t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn?t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you?d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn?t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing ?serious? between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: ?oh, but we?re just friends!? And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you?re nice like that.

The nice guys don?t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don?t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can?t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as ?oh, he?s too nice to date? or ?he would be a good boyfriend but he?s not for me? or ?he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn?t possibly ask him out!? or the most frustrating of all: ?no, it would ruin our friendship.? Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can?t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I?m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn?t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you?re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003

It’s amazing what you find out about people. How shallow people actually are. No matter how much they pretend to be otherwise, deep down they are as shallow and ignorant as everyone else.

I still care about them, they just aren’t the same person I had envisioned them to be. Perhaps I was blind, or thought maybe, JUST maybe this person was different.

It’s a nice fantasy, but if I’m going to find any sort of sanity, I need to realize that I am on my own. I’d say everyone I know is shallow, but that’s not a fair judgement. It’s just something I want to say out of anger and frustration right now. I want to point fingers and accuse. I want to cry and I want to be violent. I want the physical pain to overwhelm the emotional.

But in the end, what was I expecting anyway. A miracle?

I don’t need anyone. I’ve been perfectly content on my own. It’s lonely, god is it lonely. And I’ve desired. I’ve wanted. I’ve lusted. But I’ve also been safer. No more rejection, no more disappointment unless I disappoint myself. I just need to stay strong.

Even if I became the type of person that they wanted, I still wouldn’t want them. Not after this. You either love me for me, or you don’t love me at all, because I will hate you.

Don’t ask me to clarify on this entry, because you won’t get an answer. This was written soley for myself.

“Mad World” - First try

Happy Earth Day.

I think I’ll work on an entry about my mother. I’ve never really had one, just bits and pieces here and there. But I feel like having an entry that I can add/edit when it needs to be updated. Plus some people tend to wonder why I absolutely despise my mother.

My Nerdmeter:
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