I took a sage and chamomile bath today, with some native american flute music by R. Carlos Nakai. I wanted to relax and de-stress. I wanted to clear my mind of all the negativity I’ve been harboring the past couple weeks and focus on what I consider really important.

My friend Jason and I have been exchanging e-mails at work to ease the monotonous bordom that comes with office work. And when I had mentioned how down I had been feeling lately, he reminded me of the entry I had posted at Thanksgiving, of everything I was thankful for. At the time I hadn’t included Luke because we were having some issues, so I will include him now, because he has given me so much over this holiday that I can’t even put into words.

Jason’s e-mail really touched me. I know he didn’t mean for it to, but it kinda wakes you up, albeit with a slap to the face. And with recent tragedies overseas, it makes you wonder what right you have to complain.

So I’ve realized a few things about myself. I don’t really do enough for me. I do a lot for other people, in fact I tend to let people walk all over me and take advantage of me. But I never feel like I have the right to say anything or do anything about it.

I’m not very spiritual anymore, which was always a very important part of my life. I used to find some spirituality at the Grove, but just the thought of some of those people makes me roll my eyes. I’ve lost touch with nature, I’ve lost touch with my inner self and the type of person I want to be. I’ve lost touch with my spirit, and my native spirituality.

I don’t read. I haven’t read a book since spring, and even then it was just a book on Greek Mythology, and probably the only book I’ve read this year. I used to read every night before bed in highschool. And I have a sea of books on my shelves just gathering dust that need to be discovered.

I’ve become very needy for attention. I haven’t given myself the chance to be alone with myself and be content. And how can I be content with other people if I’m not even content with myself. I am incapable of surviving on my own right now, and that scares the hell out of me.

I’ve become apathetic about my life. Though I do believe I am improving on this somewhat. But in general, apathetic about what I eat, how I dress, how clean my room is, finishing any of my projects, about my money. I just haven’t cared. And this is also scary. If I stop caring about life then why am I here?

My goal is to change these issues about my life that I dislike so much. I need to rediscover Crystal.

I’m sick. Had 100.7 fever on Monday night, sore throat yesterday and today. But I’m still truckin. Trying to get some end of month shit done at work this week, but being the only office admin there, makes it sorta difficult. Kinda annoyed with work right now, don’t know what I’m going to do when spring hits. Apparently it’s our most busy time of year and we’re not allowed any time off lol. Wonderful.

Went out with my cousin last night, had dinner and drinks. Enjoyed catching up on things. I hope I can hang out with her a couple more times before she has to go back to Germany.

Caught up with some old friends last night too, and we’ll probably all be getting together soon.

If life keeps giving me these lemons (of which I don’t even feel I can talk about here), I’m not making lemonade, I’m going to start pelting them at random people.

Taken of my son just now

It’s just horrible. Like a movie gone wrong. I feel so bad for all of the families. It makes me grateful for what I have.

My friend Ray showed me this:

On January 3rd, 1943, ball turret gunner Alan Magee was hit while flying over France. With no parachute, he jumped from the burning B-17, free-falling 22,000 feet, and landing on the glass roof of a tran station. At that exact moment, a bomb exploded inside the station, the two forces canceling each other out. The glass roof never even cracked, and Magee made a complete recovery.

Really don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I’d rather stay here in my little fantasy land. Having such a wonderful day today.

Now for the odd happenings of Christmas.

Ate a very luscious Christmas dinner, plenty of leftovers. However in the middle of eating, My Son decided to come out into the kitchen and barf all over the kitchen floor. Lovely. All dad and I could do was look at each other and go back to eating, because if either of us had tried to clean it up, we’d probably both puke. But just after we finished, he decided to eat it again, which is totally gross.

Today, My Son somehow was able to tear off a toenails, so he’s in a bit of pain right now, but I think it’s getting better. Not much a vet would do but cut and cauterize it, so I’ll keep an eye on it.

We just put the new TV up, and it looks hella gorgeous. Now if I can figure out all this wiring…need to make sure my n64 is hooked up.

Haven’t heard from my sister yet, told her to call me when she got to Tennessee, but I’m sure she just forgot.

Steph comes home from Germany tomorrow, I’m excited and hope I get to spend a lot of time with her. Been hard without having my best friend around.

My daddy cried when he opened his brand new television. (you can see our old one here).

See, most everything we own is used or hand me downs. I think really the only new things we have are my new computer, and the air conditioner we bought this summer for our window, which was the first new thing we’d bought in years.

Every piece of furniture we own, my bed, our sofa, most of his clothes, all given to us by an old woman who’s husband had died recently. Our fridge given to us by my cousin Stephanie before she left for Germany. Our microwave given to us by my dads old friend Buzz, because they had gotten a new one.

But now we have something that -we- bought, that’s -ours-, brand new. And I think it really made my dads christmas.

He was also tickled pink about his Bonanza Western Christmas album. He loves the show (so do I), and to have the cast singing old western christmas carols really made his day.

The best part of my morning, was listening to him talk to his brothers and sister son the phone, telling him about all his wonderful gifts and what a wonderful christmas he had. Makes me tear up just thinking about it.

My sister is on her way now, and we’ll probably eat dinner around noon. Everything but the turkey is made from scratch. Since my uncle didn’t kill turkey’s this year. Though I’ve heard that he’s started raising pigs again, so I’m looking forward to having fresh pork in my freezer again.

As for my gifts, I was given some yummy chocolates that I love, a new knit scarf that is absolutely beautiful, a tripod for my digital camera (which I really really wanted), some new slippers and sweatpants, and a beautiful oil burner.

Can’t wait to send Luke his gifts, still have a few more I want to get him, and I have to mail out everyone’s buckeyes as soon as I get the recipe.

I really wasn’t in the Christmas spirit this year at all due to everything that’s been going on. But this morning I’m just glowing.

The house smells like turkey already.

Finished wrapping all my gifts, dad and I already exchanged our Christmas Eve gifts. We always pick out one on the Eve to share. I had him open his Bonanza Christmas Album (he loves the show), and I opened my new tripod for my Camera. (btw Stacey, did you receive your last check?)

I took a few pictures of my dad dressed as Santa (for which he went around visiting neighbors).

My neighbor came over today because his dog had been shot. My best guess is with a pellet gun or .22. I checked gum color, wrapped it up to help with the bleeding, and sent them on their way to the emergency hospital. I think she’ll be fine, but it still steams me that someone would do something like that. We saw a lot of animals with wounds like that at the Vet.

Tomorrow will be a wonderful meal around noon. My sister will stop over around 9am to open gifts, before being shipped off to Tennessee to see my mother. Alex will probably come over to eat, only because his family never does anything. Then I will sit and enjoy the rest of my day, probably watching my new Chronicles of Riddick DVD and working on my MUD. I’m mostly just anxious for my father to see his new TV.

Got a sweet call from Tina and Tim tonight wishing me Merry Christmas. And received a card from Sarah which was pleasantly unexpected. I will have to return the favor I have a few more cards/presents to send out, so don’t be upset if any are late.

Watched some old videos of Coryn and gang earlier, brought back a lot of memories. And I miss hanging out with them.

Luke has been extra special sweet to me. I can’t put into words how special he’s made me feel.

What a wonderful holiday