Loss of Spirituality
I took a sage and chamomile bath today, with some native american flute music by R. Carlos Nakai. I wanted to relax and de-stress. I wanted to clear my mind of all the negativity I’ve been harboring the past couple weeks and focus on what I consider really important.
My friend Jason and I have been exchanging e-mails at work to ease the monotonous bordom that comes with office work. And when I had mentioned how down I had been feeling lately, he reminded me of the entry I had posted at Thanksgiving, of everything I was thankful for. At the time I hadn’t included Luke because we were having some issues, so I will include him now, because he has given me so much over this holiday that I can’t even put into words.
Jason’s e-mail really touched me. I know he didn’t mean for it to, but it kinda wakes you up, albeit with a slap to the face. And with recent tragedies overseas, it makes you wonder what right you have to complain.
So I’ve realized a few things about myself. I don’t really do enough for me. I do a lot for other people, in fact I tend to let people walk all over me and take advantage of me. But I never feel like I have the right to say anything or do anything about it.
I’m not very spiritual anymore, which was always a very important part of my life. I used to find some spirituality at the Grove, but just the thought of some of those people makes me roll my eyes. I’ve lost touch with nature, I’ve lost touch with my inner self and the type of person I want to be. I’ve lost touch with my spirit, and my native spirituality.
I don’t read. I haven’t read a book since spring, and even then it was just a book on Greek Mythology, and probably the only book I’ve read this year. I used to read every night before bed in highschool. And I have a sea of books on my shelves just gathering dust that need to be discovered.
I’ve become very needy for attention. I haven’t given myself the chance to be alone with myself and be content. And how can I be content with other people if I’m not even content with myself. I am incapable of surviving on my own right now, and that scares the hell out of me.
I’ve become apathetic about my life. Though I do believe I am improving on this somewhat. But in general, apathetic about what I eat, how I dress, how clean my room is, finishing any of my projects, about my money. I just haven’t cared. And this is also scary. If I stop caring about life then why am I here?
My goal is to change these issues about my life that I dislike so much. I need to rediscover Crystal.
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One Response to “Loss of Spirituality”
January 19th, 2005 at 10:38 am
Oh, I used to have a R. Carlos Nakai CD, and loved it…. As for the main issue, I’ve never been good about setting aside time to meditate. But once I started hiking daily, that became my meditation time (and exercise and connection with nature along with it!) Best of luck to you. I hope you can find your core again.