It’s a good man who will send you an email full of flowers of all colors knowing that you’ve had a bad day.

I’m so stupid. I really and truly am.

Word has gotten around that I am looking for another job. I was pulled aside yesterday and asked how long do I think it will be till I leave. I didn’t have a date because I don’t have another job yet. I was told that they will be hiring someone else to replace me, I will be training them, and then they will have to let me go about mid-May.

So yes, I am so stupid.

And no, I have not heard from the company in Frederick. And I doubt I will, not if it’s taken this long. I’m just not qualified.

The only thing I keep thinking about, is how in the world am I going to support my father with no job? I’ve put out at least 40 resumes, and very few have bothered to contact me about them. I’ve had 1 interview, and still no job.

It’s taken everything I have not to just break down and cry at work. Because I just don’t know how I’m going to do it. My father comes before everything and I think I just fucked that up.

It doesn’t help that today is “Administrative Assistant” day and Kiim received flowers from a co-worker and I’m sitting here looking like the black sheep everyone wants to get rid of.

Apparently gas stations around here are starting to run out of gas. I will most likely be going to get gas during my lunch break today, to make sure I have a full tank if this happens.

I don’t pretend to understand how the economy works, or the government, or corporate businesses. I’m not naive enough to think that anything significant will be done to lower gas prices anytime soon, and I expect to shell out a good amount of money in order to get where I need to go. Less money spent on food, more on gas. I’m also not blind enough to think that gas companies wouldn’t fury after the chance to gouge prices and make more money.

Though in a way, I’m curious what would happen if things reached those “drastic measures” and fuel was more of a commodity among society. Would people be fighting each other for fuel? Would you murder someone else to make sure you got a tank full of gas?

I’ve actually amused myself with the idea of buying a horse to get to work everyday. I figured out what route I would take, the time alottment, etc. If not a horse, then a bicycle. I need the exercise anyway. Perhaps a good bike would be a decent investment for me this summer. Out here in the country, it’s not exactly practical for everyday use like it would be in a city. We don’t have buses out here, I think we might have one cab company. So out here it’s always been your own vehicle.

The fuel cost issue is a perfect example of the problems with societal dependancies. The majority of people in America wouldn’t know what to do without a car, without a grocery store, without television. I’d hate to think of the desperation if something happened to prevent any of those things. It’s kinda the reason I want to get away from people in general. We already have gas syphoned out of our tractor every once in a while. I don’t need someone busting a cap in my ass to steal the gas out of my car.

I guess the rich folks will always run things around here. We need some modern day Robin Hoods or something.

One of my fathers ulcers looks slightly bigger. And I noticed some fresh minor wounds around the other ulcer. I think he wrapped his leg too tight the other day while I was on vacation (hence why I bandage them) and that might be what caused it.

They gave him this special gauze called “Promogran” matrix wound dressing made by Johnson and Johnson. One 28cm squared piece costs $100. $100 for a small hexagonal piece of fabric that felt almost like pillow stuffing.

On the bright side though, my father took the last of his diabetes classes tonight and passed. He was given a neat little certificate and everything. So hopefully now he will qualify for the additional medicare coverage, though I still think we are trying to work on prescription coverage.

Still no word from the web company on my interview. I am honestly trying with everything that I am to be patient and hope for the best, but it’s dwindling rapidly. I want out of my current job, and this new place so far has exceeded all of my expectations. I feel like I qualify for the position more than 100%, I just wish I wasn’t in this constant state of limbo. I need change.

I’ve been inspired by this weekend to try and become more involved in ADF. I don’t expect some major involvment or contribution on my part, but I do have expectations of myself to learn more and not feel so much on the sideline of my spirituality. I’d like to motivate my Grove to become more involved in ADF, as well as become more involved in the Grove myself. But where am I going to find the time?

Plus I owe Anthony a lot of work on the ADF website, I hope he doesn’t hate me

And yes, there will be a private review too, just because not all things should be said publically For those that are honestly not interested:
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I found this on a fellow naturalists journal, and since it pertains almost exactly to my father:

By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

BAY CITY, Mich. (AP) — Barbara Enser wasn’t very comfortable at first with the idea of using maggots to clean the wound on her right foot. But if it meant saving it from amputation, she was willing to give it a try.

The 57-year-old Bay City woman was diagnosed with diabetes 40 years ago and subsequently lost her left leg to the disease. She also suffers from neuropathy, meaning she has no feeling in her foot or leg, and ulcers or wounds can develop from constantly putting pressure on the foot.
……..
For the procedure, the maggots — about 2 millimeters each in size — are placed on the wound, then surrounded by an adhesive foam, clear tape, and a gauze bandage.

By July 8, the maggots had swelled to twice their normal size and eaten away part of the infection. When Dowling removed the bandages two days later, Enser’s foot was looking better. Healthy, pink skin was replacing the dead tissue, and the swelling was down in her foot and ankle.

The maggots do more than just clean a wound. They also dissolve the infected tissue, kill bacteria and leave an enzyme behind that stimulates healing. They will only eat the infected tissue, leaving healthy tissue alone.

”In general, maggots have the capacity to distinguish viable and dead tissue on a cell-by-cell basis,” said Dr. Steven M. Holland, chief of the laboratory of clinical infectious diseases at the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases.

As much good as the first treatment did, Dowling decided to go with one more treatment. And when the bandages from the second procedure were removed 72 hours later, Dowling deemed the procedure a success.

Once the bandages were taken off, the maggots were removed using tweezers and the area was rinsed with a saline solution. Dowling then cut away leftover dead skin.

You know, everytime I go to these campouts, there’s this potent excitement about the preparation and travel to get there. Like starting a new journey, doing something different than your everyday mundane things.

Then when I get there, I’m slightly nervous, just mostly about settling in, making myself comfortable, greeting everyone, whether I’ll find anything to do or anyone to talk to.

I eventually loosen up (with the help of some alcohol) and join with the drumming and music. I still don’t talk to many people because they all seem overly intelligent about all things ADF and my set of knowledge is very meager. Call it an inferority complex maybe. That and I don’t really know any of these people, though that tends to get better every year. But I still enjoy the camping aspect so I have a good time, regardless.

Then when it’s time to pack up and go home, it’s almost like a great sense of loss and sadness. It was really strong at Wellspring 2004, but it really does happen everytime. I don’t want to return to the mundane world, back to my job, back to my bills. I want to stay and play in the woods, I want to drink, frolick, dance, and play drums every night, I want to stay with my spiritual family and not have to worry about money or society. Just block out the rest of the world and exist in our own little world of heathens and folks.

Time to start.

I’ve decided I want to sew myself a knife kit for the various knives I take for camping. Knives for scaling, gutting, meat cutting, general kitchen-esque knives, etc.

I thought about using canvas to build it since it doesn’t appear to tear or rip through normal wear and tear. Anyone have any other suggestions for fabric to create such a thing?

One of my random inspiration moments.