Today was my annual review at work. It went well and I got a raise, but for some reason I get ridiculously nervous before these things. Fear of losing my job I think. People keep telling me that I shouldn’t be worried about that, but I look at all the responsibilities I have now and the thought of being unemployed just scares me to death. It’s a crappy pessimistic attitude, and I’m quite aware of that. If I were just supporting myself, I wouldn’t be so worried. But because I’m taking care of my father, my emotions are so strongly attached to anything that has to do with me being the supporter.

I guess to try and put it into perspective, here is a guy who for 40 years has worked a blue-collar job, had so many people screw him over financially (especially my mother), all because he’s just a nice guy. That’s all. I feel the need to protect him because -he- feels like he’s let me down as a father because he’s on disability, couldn’t afford to send me to school, and now has to ask me for an allowance.

I can only imagine how he feels. I’m certain he feels blessed to have a daughter so determined to take care of him, but at the same time I know he feels ashamed at himself. If he didn’t have me he wouldn’t have anything. He wouldn’t have his animals, he wouldn’t have anyone relying on him, he’d just be the third wheel.

My passion is to make sure that my father never feels stupid, unneeded, alone, scared, or abandoned. And I’d cut off my right arm to make sure he never did.

I actually got into this conversation with someone not too long ago when I told them I’d never put my father in a nursing home. Even if I had to stay home and take care of him while my “supposed” future husband worked. They argued that it would be too much for me and would burn me out, drive me nuts whatever. But I honestly don’t think it would. I don’t think I would personally allow myself to have a choice.

I just respect this man above all else, even myself. If I had to put my roles as a person in order (as in, spiritual leader, co-worker, daughter, pagan, woman, mother, sister, etc), daughter would be at the top of that list always. The world is a better place because -he- is in it.

So. When someone asks me……why do you upset yourself so much and worry about losing your job so much, that’s why. All of that is what rushes through my brain anytime it’s brought up. It’s not all the time, I don’t really think about it because I’m always focusing on the task at hand. I just want my dad to feel secure and to be proud of me.

Another thing I want to work on is diversifying my “skillset” as far as my job is concerned. Expanding into jquery, javascript, php, and a few other things. I think if I felt more comfortable with those that I’d feel more comfortable at my job.

In other news, work had their annual jamboree tonight, and my father went with me. I think he was tickled to see me up there playing and singing music with folks on a microphone. My fingers are blistered but I had a really good time. Another thing I want to do is to learn to read music. I still never have and I can’t keep putting it off as something I’m gonna do eventually.

My boss told me that if I ever do a duet with someone that he absolutely wants to be up there playing with us. I thought that was kinda cool. He said I should start playing music around locally, just for fun. But not to expect to make a lot of money doing it. I don’t really want to make a lot of money doing it, nor do I want to be on some big record label. I just want to play my own music, and have people that enjoy listening to it.

When I’m up there singing and my eyes are closed (usually to remember the words) I ignore everything around me and all the people listening in. It’s a pretty magical feeling to shut out the world and just enjoy the music. That’s what I’d like to do.

I decided on a whim to go down to Baltimore tonight to hang out with some of the local pagan folk. I had a good time, bought a few goodies, and started some networking as Senior Druid. Several folks seemed happy to meet me, others I had already known or seen around at local events. And I now have a place to buy my favorite Triloka Amber Resin.

By extreme randomness, a rather famous musician of Egyptian Percussion that I had on my Myspace, had their account hacked. I decided to inform them of this fact (and how to prevent it in the future) after receiving several spam bulletins, and they were very grateful. Turns out he is interested in me redoing his website, and wants to know if I would help him out.

I didn’t realize how famous he really was until I saw videos of him playing with Led Zeppelin and that his music is featured in the movie Stardust, and on various albums for people like Jay-Z and Loreena McKennitt. Wow.

Anyway, more networking, and though the pay will be good either in cash or cd’s and such, I’m just hoping to do more networking in the music field as well.

Tonight, my bosses threw a party at their place. Absolutely stunning brick home in one of those ritzy neighborhoods. Beautiful landscaping drenched in trees and foliage, with a few zen elements added.

We had crabs, shrimp, strawberries dipped in chocolate, devilled eggs, burgers, beer, jello shots, you name it.

The weather was perfect, the company was amazing, and I almost didn’t go.

I’ve been feeling someone of an introvert lately. I haven’t felt like I was connecting to anyone, especially at work. And I was just going to go home, maybe take a nap, work on some personal projects. But I’m very glad I didn’t.

A lot of my co-workers are musicians, and I might have mentioned before that my boss used to play with Lenny Kravitz. He’s an amazing violinist, and a few others are just over-the-top musicians.

Several people throughout the night kept telling me I have to play, you gotta play, I’m not leaving until you play. To be honest I didn’t even realize anyone knew I played anything, except for a select few.

So I downed some rum and coke, because I’m infinitely intimidated by playing in front of so many talented people, and I’ve never played in front of a mic before, or with other people playing with me. So it was a new experience.

I received so many compliments and people telling me they loved my voice, I really didn’t know what to say. I mean what -can- you say? Just a lot of “thank you’s” and smiles. It was kind of scary, because I felt out of my comfort zone. And I never feel like the mainstream covers that I play are any interest to anyone, so I almost feel guilty for making them listen to it.

My mind works in weird ways I guess.

One good thing that came from tonight though, I think one of the guys (who I’ve always thought was an amazing musician) might bring me in to work on a song or two. Which would be kind of cool.

I just want to play music. There’s only so much I can do on my own, I’d love to learn from other people, watch them perform, work on my guitar, whatever I can do.

My bosses also sent me home with a bushel of crabs, a bag of shrimp, and a watermelon for my dad

[Download Soulfly] (about 64megs, full album)
Artist: Soulfly
Album: I don’t actually remember.
About: A band that stemmed from one of my favorite metal bands from highschool (Sepultura), Soulfly is a mixture of heavy metal and very faint tribal influences from all over the world. With legendary Max Cavalera (yum).

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[Download Salva Nos] (about 40megs, full album)
[Download The Rose] (about 48egs, full album)
Artist: Mediaeval Baebes
Album: Salvos Nos and The Rose.
About: One of my favorite artists, ever since I heard them in 02 at the Irish Moon, the Mediaeval Baebes.

From Wikipedia (for those unfamiliar with their music):

Each album features traditional medieval songs and poetry set to music, mostly arranged by Blake specifically for the ensemble, alongside varying numbers of original compositions. They sing in a variety of languages, including Latin, Middle English, French, Italian, Russian, Welsh, Irish Gaelic, modern English and the nearly extinct Cornish. Their vocals are backed by medieval instruments, including the recorder and cittern, played by the singers or fellow musicians.

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[Download] (about 59megs, full album)
Artist: Various
Album: The Crow Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
About: Great movie, great soundtrack. I was blessed enough to see this in the theatre, even though I was only 14. Not much else needs to be said. Though I will mention I had to rip this because my CD was getting really scratched. As far as I can tell the mp3’s are still in good shape, I haven’t noticed any skips in the files yet.

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The Grove has a chant that we do at every Sunday Rites of Caffiena, and every ritual. It’s ours specifically, I don’t remember who wrote it originally, but it’s never been put to music (not officially anyway).

Well, I put it to music, but it’s not a tune to be used during ritual I don’t believe, so it’s more or less just me playing around. I’d like to try to write it to an actual chant melody at some point so it can be sung as well as chanted during ritual.

So if you want to listen below, it’s all acapella, and actually sounds kinda bluegrassy.

Walk now with me
Within our Sacred Grove
Holly, Pine, and Cedar
Apple, Vine, and Heather
Oak, and Ash, and Thorn

Property of CedarLight Grove, ADF of Baltimore Maryland